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Marriage Going To Be Hard To Go Back To On Monday

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Marriage Going To Be Hard To Go Back To On Monday

EAST HARTFORD, CT—Thinking wearily of the moment when he would have to return to the daily grind, local man Dan Zageris is already dreading going back to his marriage Monday, sources confirmed this weekend. “A couple of days away are great, but I know that when Monday morning rolls around, it will just start up all over again,” said Zageris, 36, adding that his anxiety will likely return on Sunday, as he becomes preoccupied with the thought of heading back to his monogamous relationship of eight years the following day. “Time off always flies by, and before I know it, I’m clocking back in with my wife and have another long slog of marriage ahead of me.” At press time, Zageris was reportedly keeping his head down and hoping to power through the next 40 years or so.

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