adBlockCheck

Marriage Handled Amicably

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Satisfaction

Marriage Handled Amicably

Beth and Dave Harrigan say they see no reason why their marriage can't be as painless and civil as possible.
Beth and Dave Harrigan say they see no reason why their marriage can't be as painless and civil as possible.

DAVENPORT, IA—Despite the bitter emotional toll it has taken on them, Beth and David Harrigan expressed relief Tuesday that they have been able to handle their 11-year marriage so amicably.

According to Beth, while it's clear that they will never fully reconcile their differences, she and David are doing their best in a bad situation.

"It can get pretty tense when the two of us have to be in the same room together, and the holidays are definitely awkward," Beth said. "But overall, I think we've managed to be really civil throughout the whole ordeal."

"Marriage is obviously a terrible, terrible thing, but it doesn't mean we have to be at each other's throats," Beth added.

The Harrigans also maintained that, while they may no longer be in love, they still both have a great deal of respect for each other.

The couple's biggest concern has reportedly been their children, Simon, 7, and Laura, 9. Beth said that while she and David realized they could never completely protect the kids from the damaging effects of their continued union, they were doing their best to honestly answer any questions that come up.

"The marriage has been really hard on the kids, but we're making sure they know it's not their fault that it's like this," said Beth, adding that she tries not to bad-mouth David within earshot of her son and daughter. "Children are very perceptive—they can always tell when something's wrong—so we decided not to keep anything from them. It's not like we're ever going to be a happily married couple again, but at least we can try to make it as painless as possible for them."

David said that the marriage has been challenging for him personally, but it has also afforded him the opportunity to grow. According to the self-employed accountant, he now spends most of his time in his home office in the basement, an arrangement that still allows him to see his children frequently.

"In some ways, the whole thing has actually been good for me," David said. "It was such a huge relief when Beth and I could finally sit down and say, 'Look, this thing isn't working, but what are you gonna do? Life goes on.'"

"Now I just have to build up the courage to start seeing other people," David continued.

Though things between the couple remain strained, David and Beth both said they look forward to moving past the unpleasant experience as soon as the other dies.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close