Marriage Teeming With Sexual Tension

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Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

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WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

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MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

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SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

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FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...
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Marriage Teeming With Sexual Tension

TRAVERSE CITY, MI—Although both believe that a romantic affair would only complicate their daily interaction with each other, Troy and Tania Knudsen find it more and more challenging not to act on a powerful mutual sexual attraction, sources close to the married couple said Monday.

Troy and Tania Knudsen can barely keep their hands off each other.

"You can really sense that something is going on between them," said neighbor Lisa Eisennagel, who has known the Knudsens for nine of the 12 years they've been married. "It's so palpable, it's sometimes uncomfortable to be around them."

Friends who spend regular time with the pair have all noted the tentative glances, a tendency to linger around each other, and inappropriate touching.

"Tania hints at how she's attracted to Troy," said Eisennagel, who claimed to have shared many talks with Tania about her hidden feelings for her husband. "I'm sure he feels the same way. It's so obvious at this point."

But Tania is reluctant to act on feelings they both "might regret," according to Eisennagel. "Tania's always going, 'Is he thinking about me? Does he feel the same way?' I say, 'Why not ask him?' But she just turns red and changes the subject."

According to the Knudsens, their close shared quarters make even the smallest interactions both exhilarating and stressful. Earlier this month, Troy, flustered after catching a glimpse of Tania's cleavage as she placed a plate of waffles on the kitchen table, had to excuse himself to smoke a cigarette on the back porch. The couple's thighs touched briefly while watching TV on the living-room sofa last Wednesday, though both fought the urge to make eye contact. Likewise, the narrow hallway between the living room and kitchen has played host to some awkward, charged moments.

"I only have one more semester before I earn my physical-therapy degree, and this career change is important to me," Tania Knudsen said. "I also have  two young kids to consider. I can't imagine risking all that, just because I can't resist these urges."

She added: "Though sometimes it feels like I'm torturing myself."

For Troy Knudsen's part, the plumbing contractor said he often anguishes over whether his wife shares the same impulses.

"I have to share a bedroom with this woman for the rest of my life, so I don't want to do anything to make things awkward," Knudsen said. "I have a routine I'm used to, and taking it to the next level is not part of that routine."

"He said he often lies next to her, struggling not to kiss her," said longtime friend Ken Boehmer, who introduced the two in 1992.  "And one time, she bumped up against him in bed. I was like, 'That was the perfect opportunity, dude!' It just sounds like they're making excuses. We all wish they'd just fuck already and get it over with. If it doesn't work out, I think they could handle it in a mature fashion. After all, they're both 36 years old."

While some of the couple's friends believed the intense sexual tension and the nature of their relationship made succumbing to their attraction for each other inevitable, others said that it has gone on too long for them to relent. All, however, agreed that if they came clean with their feelings, they would at least both be able to get on with their married lives.

"If they're 'best friends,' as they put it, why did Tania wipe that barbecue sauce off Troy's cheek the way she did?" said neighbor Pete Lorenzo, who invited the pair to his annual Fourth Of July cookout. "And the way Troy wrestled with Tania for the last piece of bratwurst? Christ, get a room. Or just go home."