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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Married Couple Longs For Days When They Only Quietly Resented One Another

FARRAGUT, TN—Struggling to recall the last time they stifled even a small grievance they harbored toward the other, local married couple Angela and David Lochrie admitted to reporters Thursday they often long for the bygone days when they were just quietly resentful of one another. “Back when we were young and first moved in together, I remember how I would just roll my eyes or mutter some passive-aggressive comment under my breath as I walked out of the room after David said or did something that bothered me—but those days are long gone now,” said Angela Lochrie, fondly recalling the early years of her marriage when she and her husband would at most let out an aggravated sigh or silently flip the other off behind their back rather than escalate every frustration into a shouting match. “It’s hard to believe there was once a time when I would just think to myself that David was a lazy, selfish asshole, instead of saying it so loud you could hear it throughout the house. These days, though, I guess we’re so used to sharply belittling each other and slamming doors in disgust that I don’t know if we can ever recapture that quiet bitterness of our youth.” Despite their wistfulness for earlier times, the couple said they regularly marvel at how they have been able to keep a passionate flame of disdain burning between them for so many years.

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