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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Married Couple Longs For Days When They Only Quietly Resented One Another

FARRAGUT, TN—Struggling to recall the last time they stifled even a small grievance they harbored toward the other, local married couple Angela and David Lochrie admitted to reporters Thursday they often long for the bygone days when they were just quietly resentful of one another. “Back when we were young and first moved in together, I remember how I would just roll my eyes or mutter some passive-aggressive comment under my breath as I walked out of the room after David said or did something that bothered me—but those days are long gone now,” said Angela Lochrie, fondly recalling the early years of her marriage when she and her husband would at most let out an aggravated sigh or silently flip the other off behind their back rather than escalate every frustration into a shouting match. “It’s hard to believe there was once a time when I would just think to myself that David was a lazy, selfish asshole, instead of saying it so loud you could hear it throughout the house. These days, though, I guess we’re so used to sharply belittling each other and slamming doors in disgust that I don’t know if we can ever recapture that quiet bitterness of our youth.” Despite their wistfulness for earlier times, the couple said they regularly marvel at how they have been able to keep a passionate flame of disdain burning between them for so many years.

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