adBlockCheck

Married Couple Only Staying Together For Sake Of U.S. Divorce Rate

Top Headlines

Satisfaction

PAX

Tips For Conquering Phobias

Even the most rational, clear-thinking adults can have anxieties that interfere with their routine, and learning to manage them is key to living a life free from fear. Here are The Onion’s tips for conquering your phobias:

Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Grown Adult Actually Expects To Be Happy

NORMAL, IL—Despite possessing a fully developed brain and a general awareness of the fundamental nature of existence, sources said Rob Peterson, 37, apparently continues to believe that achieving long-lasting happiness is somehow possible.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Satisfaction

PAX

Married Couple Only Staying Together For Sake Of U.S. Divorce Rate

SEATTLE—Admitting there are unresolvable differences in their relationship and that they might be more satisfied if they parted ways, local married couple Brett and Tara Ashlock told reporters Tuesday they were nonetheless “willing to stick it out” for the sake of the nation’s divorce statistics. “Sadly, Brett and I don’t have the same feelings for each other we once had, and while staying together obviously isn’t ideal for us individually, we both agree that the most important thing to take into account is what’s best for the U.S. rate of divorce,” said mother of three Tara Ashlock, 39, who added that American divorce figures are already going through a difficult period in which approximately 2.4 million marriages are legally dissolved every year. “When I think of the numbers, it almost seems selfish not to stay together, you know? Maybe that seems old-fashioned, but when you consider how there are now 53 divorces taking place in the United States for every 100 marriages, it just feels like the right thing to do.” Brett Ashlock, 40, concurred, adding that it’s only six years until the next census, and it “won’t be as big a deal” if he and his wife split up after that.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close