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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Married Couple Only Staying Together For Sake Of U.S. Divorce Rate

SEATTLE—Admitting there are unresolvable differences in their relationship and that they might be more satisfied if they parted ways, local married couple Brett and Tara Ashlock told reporters Tuesday they were nonetheless “willing to stick it out” for the sake of the nation’s divorce statistics. “Sadly, Brett and I don’t have the same feelings for each other we once had, and while staying together obviously isn’t ideal for us individually, we both agree that the most important thing to take into account is what’s best for the U.S. rate of divorce,” said mother of three Tara Ashlock, 39, who added that American divorce figures are already going through a difficult period in which approximately 2.4 million marriages are legally dissolved every year. “When I think of the numbers, it almost seems selfish not to stay together, you know? Maybe that seems old-fashioned, but when you consider how there are now 53 divorces taking place in the United States for every 100 marriages, it just feels like the right thing to do.” Brett Ashlock, 40, concurred, adding that it’s only six years until the next census, and it “won’t be as big a deal” if he and his wife split up after that.

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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

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