Married Couple Only Staying Together For Sake Of U.S. Divorce Rate

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Vol 50 Issue 14

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Scholars: ‘Gospel Of Jesus’ Wife’ Authentic

Two years after the discovery of a papyrus that includes the phrase “Jesus said to them, ‘my wife,’” researchers have announced that the fragment is not a forgery and was likely written in the Middle Ages, though it does not necess...

Woman Barely Jogging

PORTLAND, OR—Making negligible movements with her arms and legs as she sluggishly made her way along the sidewalk, a woman gradually progressing down Madison Street Friday was barely even jogging, sources confirmed.

Last Living California Raisin Dies Of Prostate Cancer

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Beebop, the percussionist and last surviving member of the 1980s R&B supergroup The California Raisins, died Thursday following a lengthy battle with prostate cancer, multiple sources confirmed this morning.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Married Couple Only Staying Together For Sake Of U.S. Divorce Rate

SEATTLE—Admitting there are unresolvable differences in their relationship and that they might be more satisfied if they parted ways, local married couple Brett and Tara Ashlock told reporters Tuesday they were nonetheless “willing to stick it out” for the sake of the nation’s divorce statistics. “Sadly, Brett and I don’t have the same feelings for each other we once had, and while staying together obviously isn’t ideal for us individually, we both agree that the most important thing to take into account is what’s best for the U.S. rate of divorce,” said mother of three Tara Ashlock, 39, who added that American divorce figures are already going through a difficult period in which approximately 2.4 million marriages are legally dissolved every year. “When I think of the numbers, it almost seems selfish not to stay together, you know? Maybe that seems old-fashioned, but when you consider how there are now 53 divorces taking place in the United States for every 100 marriages, it just feels like the right thing to do.” Brett Ashlock, 40, concurred, adding that it’s only six years until the next census, and it “won’t be as big a deal” if he and his wife split up after that.

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