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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Married Couple Only Staying Together For Sake Of U.S. Divorce Rate

SEATTLE—Admitting there are unresolvable differences in their relationship and that they might be more satisfied if they parted ways, local married couple Brett and Tara Ashlock told reporters Tuesday they were nonetheless “willing to stick it out” for the sake of the nation’s divorce statistics. “Sadly, Brett and I don’t have the same feelings for each other we once had, and while staying together obviously isn’t ideal for us individually, we both agree that the most important thing to take into account is what’s best for the U.S. rate of divorce,” said mother of three Tara Ashlock, 39, who added that American divorce figures are already going through a difficult period in which approximately 2.4 million marriages are legally dissolved every year. “When I think of the numbers, it almost seems selfish not to stay together, you know? Maybe that seems old-fashioned, but when you consider how there are now 53 divorces taking place in the United States for every 100 marriages, it just feels like the right thing to do.” Brett Ashlock, 40, concurred, adding that it’s only six years until the next census, and it “won’t be as big a deal” if he and his wife split up after that.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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