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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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Marshawn Lynch

Running Back, Seattle Seahawks

Strengths: Speed and size allow him to easily evade reporters; Works well with holes, openings, gaps

Weaknesses: Spending majority of game underneath 1,200 pounds of football players may eventually take a toll on health; Bashful, so needs encouragement from teammates to pick up blitzers; Refuses to gain yards before contact

Nickname: The Fellow Whose Traits Are Reminiscent Of A Beast’s

Running Style: Menopausal rhinoceros

Pregame Ritual: Headbutting Percy Harvin 10 times for good luck

Biggest Motivation: Seeing fan-made “BEAST MODE” signs in the crowd during a game

Social Security Number: 651-42-7506

NEXT: Richard Sherman

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