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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Marshawn Lynch

Running Back, Seattle Seahawks

Strengths: Speed and size allow him to easily evade reporters; Works well with holes, openings, gaps

Weaknesses: Spending majority of game underneath 1,200 pounds of football players may eventually take a toll on health; Bashful, so needs encouragement from teammates to pick up blitzers; Refuses to gain yards before contact

Nickname: The Fellow Whose Traits Are Reminiscent Of A Beast’s

Running Style: Menopausal rhinoceros

Pregame Ritual: Headbutting Percy Harvin 10 times for good luck

Biggest Motivation: Seeing fan-made “BEAST MODE” signs in the crowd during a game

Social Security Number: 651-42-7506

NEXT: Richard Sherman

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