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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Marvel Reimagines Green Goblin As Left-Handed

NEW YORK—In a month that has already seen several key changes to popular comic book characters, publisher Marvel Comics revealed Monday that a new version of Spider-Man archenemy the Green Goblin would be left-handed. “We felt it was time for Marvel to give the Spider-Man series an exciting new perspective, and we’re confident readers are going to agree when they catch sight of obsessive Oscorp researcher Dr. Charles ‘Lefty’ Langkowski,” Marvel chief creative officer Joe Quesada said of the change, which will come in an issue that follows the left-handed scientist, who accidentally spills a biogenic serum from his clumsy right hand and subsequently transforms into the unhinged, Halloween-themed supervillain. “From throwing his signature arsenal of Pumpkin Bombs with his left hand rather than his right, to leaning in the opposite direction while riding the Goblin Glide, it’s a fresh, new path forward for the character, and everyone at Marvel is excited for fans to follow the ‘Sinister Southpaw’s’ reign of terror.” Reactions to the announcement have reportedly been mixed, with a number of readers praising the introduction of a more relatable figure, while others expressed frustration that the Marvel Universe still lacked an ambidextrous character.

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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