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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Marvel Reimagines Green Goblin As Left-Handed

NEW YORK—In a month that has already seen several key changes to popular comic book characters, publisher Marvel Comics revealed Monday that a new version of Spider-Man archenemy the Green Goblin would be left-handed. “We felt it was time for Marvel to give the Spider-Man series an exciting new perspective, and we’re confident readers are going to agree when they catch sight of obsessive Oscorp researcher Dr. Charles ‘Lefty’ Langkowski,” Marvel chief creative officer Joe Quesada said of the change, which will come in an issue that follows the left-handed scientist, who accidentally spills a biogenic serum from his clumsy right hand and subsequently transforms into the unhinged, Halloween-themed supervillain. “From throwing his signature arsenal of Pumpkin Bombs with his left hand rather than his right, to leaning in the opposite direction while riding the Goblin Glide, it’s a fresh, new path forward for the character, and everyone at Marvel is excited for fans to follow the ‘Sinister Southpaw’s’ reign of terror.” Reactions to the announcement have reportedly been mixed, with a number of readers praising the introduction of a more relatable figure, while others expressed frustration that the Marvel Universe still lacked an ambidextrous character.

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