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Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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Marvin Lewis On Suicide Watch After Becoming Winningest Coach In Bengals History

CINCINNATI—Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis was immediately placed on suicide watch by city authorities after achieving his franchise-record 65th victory with the team last Sunday. “The fact that he’s tallied 65 wins with the Bengals means he’s been miserable for a long time, and in enough pain to plunge any person into a deep, suicidal depression,” Cincinnati police chief Daryl Rowan told reporters during a press conference, adding that the majority of suicides in Cincinnati can be linked back to the victim’s association with the Bengals. “Lewis has been put through so much turmoil—from Mike Brown’s terrible decisions to Cedric Benson’s multiple arrests to last year’s 4-12 season to having to deal with Carson Palmer for so damn long. After all that, it’s a shock he isn’t hanging from a ceiling beam somewhere already.” Moments after the press conference, Police Chief Rowan was found dead and, in a suicide note, claimed that discussing the Bengals that long had been too much for him to handle.

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