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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Marvin Lewis On Suicide Watch After Becoming Winningest Coach In Bengals History

CINCINNATI—Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis was immediately placed on suicide watch by city authorities after achieving his franchise-record 65th victory with the team last Sunday. “The fact that he’s tallied 65 wins with the Bengals means he’s been miserable for a long time, and in enough pain to plunge any person into a deep, suicidal depression,” Cincinnati police chief Daryl Rowan told reporters during a press conference, adding that the majority of suicides in Cincinnati can be linked back to the victim’s association with the Bengals. “Lewis has been put through so much turmoil—from Mike Brown’s terrible decisions to Cedric Benson’s multiple arrests to last year’s 4-12 season to having to deal with Carson Palmer for so damn long. After all that, it’s a shock he isn’t hanging from a ceiling beam somewhere already.” Moments after the press conference, Police Chief Rowan was found dead and, in a suicide note, claimed that discussing the Bengals that long had been too much for him to handle.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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