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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
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Marvin Lewis On Suicide Watch After Becoming Winningest Coach In Bengals History

CINCINNATI—Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis was immediately placed on suicide watch by city authorities after achieving his franchise-record 65th victory with the team last Sunday. “The fact that he’s tallied 65 wins with the Bengals means he’s been miserable for a long time, and in enough pain to plunge any person into a deep, suicidal depression,” Cincinnati police chief Daryl Rowan told reporters during a press conference, adding that the majority of suicides in Cincinnati can be linked back to the victim’s association with the Bengals. “Lewis has been put through so much turmoil—from Mike Brown’s terrible decisions to Cedric Benson’s multiple arrests to last year’s 4-12 season to having to deal with Carson Palmer for so damn long. After all that, it’s a shock he isn’t hanging from a ceiling beam somewhere already.” Moments after the press conference, Police Chief Rowan was found dead and, in a suicide note, claimed that discussing the Bengals that long had been too much for him to handle.

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