Marxist Student Has Capitalist Parents

Top Headlines

Family

Cheetos

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

Good News Kept From Parents Out Of Fear Of Proving Them Right

DANBURY, CT—Saying she wants no part of the conversation that would inevitably result if she broke the good news, local medical billing technician Jenny Comers reported Friday that she’s keeping word of her recent pay raise from her parents out of fear of proving them right.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

First Holiday Season Without Grandma Incredible

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Expressing appreciation for the more relaxed and cheerful atmosphere, members of the Shaw family confirmed Thursday that the first holiday season without grandmother Ethel Shaw had been absolutely incredible.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Family Fears Grandmother Aware Of Her Surroundings

BEDFORD, NH—Acknowledging a look in her eyes that sometimes makes them think she may actually be registering things, the family of local grandmother Janice Humphries expressed anxiety Tuesday that the 93-year-old nursing home resident might be aware...

Self-Centered Child Blames Divorce Entirely On Himself

LINCOLN, NE—Claiming that the third-grader refuses to acknowledge anyone else’s involvement in the situation, sources confirmed Monday that egocentric 8-year-old Dylan Fielder blames the divorce of his parents entirely on himself.

Tips For A Healthy Pregnancy

Pregnancy is a challenging time for any expectant mother, but eating well, getting prenatal care, and being active are all ways that women can stay healthy and feel great.

Back-To-School Preparation Tips For Parents

With millions of children heading back to school next week, parents across the country are stocking up on supplies, getting in touch with teachers, and setting expectations to help their kids succeed.

Top Parenting Trends Of 2014

Between questions of breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccinations, and must-have accessories, moms and dads are confronted with a wealth of options when it comes to raising their children.

Grandmother Talking Big Game About Being Alive Next Year

HAMILTON, OH—Noting that she had made a lot of bold proclamations in recent months regarding upcoming birthdays and future vacations, family members of local grandmother Abigail Stapleton told reporters Wednesday that the 88-year-old is talking some...

The Pros And Cons Of Waiting To Have Children

According to the CDC, more women than ever are waiting to have children until they are 35 or older, when they have completed their educations and are more financially stable, though doctors warn that having children later in life can lead to health com...

Man Brings Son Into Office To See Where Dad Emasculated

ROGERS, MN—Smiling and offering commentary throughout the visit, local employee Jason Aldrich reportedly brought his 7-year-old son to his office Tuesday, giving the young boy a chance to see where his dad is humiliated and stripped of his manhood o...

Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son

GRAND FORKS, ND—Expressing their deep disappointment with his behavior and lifestyle, local parents Jeff and Susan Lindegaard told reporters Tuesday that they are simply unable to accept anything about their 24-year-old son Henry aside from his homo...

Aunt Enters Ninth Year Of Raving About ‘Wicked’

OGDENSBURG, NY—Praising its vibrant visual effects and declaring multiple songs “absolute showstoppers,” local aunt Treena Warner, 53, informed extended family members for the ninth consecutive year that the Broadway musical Wicked...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Family

Cheetos

Marxist Student Has Capitalist Parents

LAWRENCE, KS–Chad Briggs, a radical Marxist and University of Kansas junior, has capitalist parents, campus sources reported Monday.

Radical Marxist Chad Briggs, whose parents (inset) are members of the bourgeois elite.

"The proletariat will rise up, and the state will wither away, " said Briggs, 20, who grew up in the bourgeois suburban enclave of Deerfield, IL, before renouncing his exploitative capitalist ties during the first semester of his sophomore year. "Only when the workers control the means of production will a truly classless society emerge."

Briggs said he spent the first 18 years of his life under the oppressive thumb of his father, investment banker Richard Briggs, and his mother, elementary-school teacher Judith Briggs, members of the reigning bourgeois elite.

"For years, much like the oppressed St. Petersburg factory worker of 1918, I was controlled by the ruling class," Briggs said. "The people who owned the house I lived in told me when to come to the table for supper, when to do my chores, and when to be home on Saturday nights. They even controlled the means of transportation, giving me the keys to their Ford Taurus when and only when they saw fit."

Briggs said his parents still control him, as all capitalist running-dogs do the masses, using their payment of his rent and tuition as a means of influencing which courses he takes.

"I was talking to my father on the phone the other night, and he questioned my enrollment in a film class on the works of Woody Allen," Briggs said. "He said, 'This is what I'm spending $21,000 a year on? For you to watch Woody Allen movies?' Even here in college, hundreds of miles from my capitalist oppressors, they still hold sway over me. Until the day I am loosed from their chains, I shall not truly be free."

Committed to fomenting glorious proletarian revolution, Briggs recently quit his 10-hour-a-week coffee-shop job to become co-chair of the radical campus socialist group UPRISE (University Program for Revolutionary Integration of a Socialist Economy). Like many other steps Briggs has taken toward establishing a dictatorship of the proletariat, his joining UPRISE was strongly opposed by his parents.

"My parents don't understand that social order based on class division sows the seeds of its own destruction," said Briggs, who witnessed class division and worker exploitation first-hand during a Spring Break trip to Cancun, Mexico. "They just want me to go to business school and make lots of money like my sister Debbie."

"Then again,"Briggs said, "why should I care what they think? I don't want to end up like them. All they care about is buying this boat or starting that retirement fund, or trying to convince me to get a Lumina instead of the Jeep I want. It's like Marx wrote in The Communist Manifesto, 'The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles.'"

Briggs' girlfriend, Jenny Elsinger, is one of the original founders of UPRISE and the person responsible for introducing him to the group. Before meeting Elsinger in September 1997, Briggs said he knew almost nothing of the woes of workers and their lack of control over the means of production and distribution.

"Before the Revolutionary Year 1997, I was pretty much like the rest of the campus bourgeoisie," said Briggs, stapling copies of the latest issue of the UPRISE newsletter, From Below! "I was preoccupied with fraternity rush, football games and getting into B-school. I've grown up fast, though, now that I've had a taste of the real world through my involvement with UPRISE."

Next Friday, Briggs said, the bourgeois and proletarian classes will clash violently, when his parents come to campus for Parents' Weekend.

"There's always fighting when my parents come to visit, and this time will be no different," Briggs said. "They'll tell me to clean up my hair. They'll tell me to move out of the co-op. They'll tell me to stop fooling around with 'this Communist nonsense.' It is as inevitable as the victory of the workers' revolution."

"My parents think this is just a 'phase' I'm going through," Briggs said. "Well, I'll tell you what's a phase–the ownership's control of the proletariat. Now, there's a temporary phase."

Family Video