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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Mascot Community Still Reeling After Benny The Bull's Misdemeanor Battery Charge

CHICAGO—A coalition of prominent mascots, including the Phoenix Suns Gorilla, The Pittsburgh Parrot, and the Philly Phanatic, called a press conference Tuesday to answer questions concerning their colleague, Benny the Bull, following an incident in which Benny struck an off-duty police officer who was attempting to prevent him from riding a mini-motorcycle through the "Taste Of Chicago" street fair. "During the conference, the Phanatic demonstrated that mascots did not condone Benny's actions by walking up to a reporter, throwing a punch that stopped short of the reporter's face, and then waving its finger in a 'not allowed' motion," said bystander Steve Garbon, who was waiting with his daughter for a picture. "It was really conciliatory and funny." Benny, who could not be reached for comment, released a statement apologizing for his actions and saying he will be attending anger-management courses at which he will distribute free T-shirts.

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