Masochistic Record Wants To Be Broken Again

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Vol 48 Issue 02

CVS Roadshow

PBS 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST Store manager Robyn Fisher provides an up-close-and-personal tour of the Destin, FL store, which stacks its Garnier Fructis in a different endcap than the Miramar Beach location.

Inadvertent Ice Road Truckers

History 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST After taking a wrong turn out of Calgary, trucker Dale Bronson eventually realizes he's hauled his load of Lady Jordache sporting apparel much too far north.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Late Night

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Masochistic Record Wants To Be Broken Again

SAN FRANCISCO—Days after San Francisco 49ers kicker David Akers set the new single-season mark for field goals made, the masochistic record publicly stated its strong desire to be broken "again, and again, and again—shattered even." "I wish a new season could start right now, just so the tension could start building," kicking's highest single-season achievement said Saturday, adding that its been reached or broken four times since 1999, which is "more than most records but still not nearly enough." "God, there’s nothing like that moment when you know you're going to be broken. When it feels like the whole world is watching, waiting to see you toppled and tossed aside like the filthy, lesser number that you are. Jesus Christ, somebody break me again! Break me now! Destroy me!" When asked why it desired to be broken so much, the record said that, as a monument to excellence in placekicking, it is "a terrible, terrible record that deserves to be punished."

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