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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Masochistic Record Wants To Be Broken Again

SAN FRANCISCO—Days after San Francisco 49ers kicker David Akers set the new single-season mark for field goals made, the masochistic record publicly stated its strong desire to be broken "again, and again, and again—shattered even." "I wish a new season could start right now, just so the tension could start building," kicking's highest single-season achievement said Saturday, adding that its been reached or broken four times since 1999, which is "more than most records but still not nearly enough." "God, there’s nothing like that moment when you know you're going to be broken. When it feels like the whole world is watching, waiting to see you toppled and tossed aside like the filthy, lesser number that you are. Jesus Christ, somebody break me again! Break me now! Destroy me!" When asked why it desired to be broken so much, the record said that, as a monument to excellence in placekicking, it is "a terrible, terrible record that deserves to be punished."

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