Mass Of Unfreshened Air Moving In From Arctic Circle

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Vol 35 Issue 11

Miracle Overpass Issues Mysterious Stream Of Urine

ABILENE, TX—Throngs of religious faithful from across the U.S. are making pilgrimages to Abilene following Monday's discovery of a miracle highway overpass that periodically emits a stream of urine. "I was just driving under the overpass, when, all of a sudden, a golden stream of liquid fell upon my windshield from above," said motorist Gail Silva. "I knew then and there that my life had deeper meaning." The stretch of highway has since been closed for several miles in both directions to accommodate the thousands of spiritual seekers who have journeyed to the overpass in hopes of being anointed with what many believe to be the micturition of Christ.

National Pork Council: Many Americans Suffer From Pork Deficiency

DES MOINES, IA—An alarming study released Tuesday by the National Pork Producers Council reports that fewer than 5 percent of Americans get the NPPC recommended daily allowance of pork. "An overwhelming majority of Americans aren't getting the dietary pork they need for healthy muscles and proper digestion," read the NPPC study. "What's worse, many growing children who could be helped by as little as two strips of bacon a day are getting no pork at all." The NPPC recommends that adults eat at least nine servings of pork per day from the bacon, ham, chop and rind groups.

The Burger-King Grants Asylum

Last week, lost and hungry in the desolate bad-lands of our Republic, Standish and I chanced upon the embassy of the esteemed and powerful Burger-King. Once in-side, I prostrated myself before one of the senior diplomats, who donned a badge etched with the words "Dale—Crew Manager."

A Nation Of Prisoners

According to a recent Justice Department report, the number of jailed Americans more than doubled over the past 12 years, and the U.S. could soon pass Russia as the nation with the highest rate of imprisonment. What do you think about America's soaring prison population?

I've Got The Fever For The Flavor Of The Oscars!

Here's a riddle for you: What has more stars than the sky itself? The Oscars, and I for one was positively blinded by what I saw on Sunday! The lights! The glamour! The dresses! Oh, it was a night to remember! Everyone was dressed to the nines. Even Hollywood's most notorious tough guy, Jack Nicholson, looked positively dapper in his tuxedo. (And I bet it wasn't a rental!) Someday, I hope to be there in person so I can take in all the glory first-hand. But in the meantime, I'm happy to sit at home with a bowl of Jolly Time buttered popcorn and watch the proceeds unfold... live!
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Mass Of Unfreshened Air Moving In From Arctic Circle

WASHINGTON, DC—The National Weather Service has issued a severe musty-odor advisory for a majority of the U.S., as a massive front of stale, unfreshened air sweeps down from the Arctic region.

Fresh Air Weather Map

"While no state of emergency has yet been declared, we are cautioning all citizens to be on alert for problem odors which, even as we speak, are moving through the Dakotas and gaining strength as they head east," National Weather Service director James Auslander said. "These embarrassing, lingering smells show no sign of dissipating any time soon, and it is vital that Americans prepare themselves."

The wave of unfreshened air is believed to be connected to a recent "poker night" get-together in the Arctic region, complete with big, smelly cigars and a fried-fish dinner. According to Auslander, shoes were removed during the gathering, contributing foot odor to an already unpleasant front.

Working closely with Renuzit officials, the National Weather Service is taking steps to freshen the approaching air mass.

"While we can not turn back the clock and prevent this malodorous incident from taking place," Auslander said, "we can take action as soon as possible to save Americans from exposure to the resultant common household odors."

Among the emergency air-freshening measures being implemented: the planting of more than 50,000 pine-scented trees along the U.S.-Canada border; the distribution of 35 million cans of Glade Mountain Spring spray to those citizens most at risk; and Operation Airwick, a full-frontal airborne assault on the wave of stale air.

But even with all these efforts, some experts say it will likely be too little, too late. "Even if 50 million pounds of potpourri were spread across American soil, it would merely be a flowery cover-up," said James Valentine of the D.C.-based Americans For Freshness. "Ventilating and re-scenting the ecosystem will take months and bring federal votive-candle and incense resources down to near-critical levels. This nation needs fresh, pleasant air now."

"In reality," Dr. Martin Hargreaves of Cornell University said, "we would need a Stick-Up the size of Vermont to adequately address this crisis."

Just some of the countless pine-scented trees planted in an attempt to freshen the air.

Across the U.S., the damaging effects of the unfreshened air are already being felt. "Yesterday, when I woke up, I wasn't greeted with the usual light, flowery breeze blowing in through my window," said Georgia Wells of St. Petersburg, FL. "Instead of a fresh rose-petal scent, I could distinctly detect a staleness in the air. It was horrible."

"As an American, if there's one thing I can't stand, it's a lack of freshness," Marcia Palmer of Sunnyvale, CA, said. "That's why this current crisis is so terrible. Cigar smoke, fish odor, smelly old sweatsocks—it's all too much to bear."

Palmer then wrinkled her nose and added, "Oh, I see the Arctic Circle still has that cat."

Responding to the public outcry, President Clinton has pledged to work with the National Weather Service toward the goal of having the nation completely aired out by the end of next week. The president also acknowledged that his interest in solving the problem is to some degree personal.

"Next Friday, I will be hosting an important state dinner, at which there will be numerous foreign dignitaries," Clinton said. "If these high-level diplomats arrived with the United States smelling like old sneakers and tell-tale pet odors, I am certain I would just die. I could never show my face at a world summit again."

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