adBlockCheck

Recent News

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
End Of Section
  • More News

Mass Of Unfreshened Air Moving In From Arctic Circle

WASHINGTON, DC—The National Weather Service has issued a severe musty-odor advisory for a majority of the U.S., as a massive front of stale, unfreshened air sweeps down from the Arctic region.

Fresh Air Weather Map

"While no state of emergency has yet been declared, we are cautioning all citizens to be on alert for problem odors which, even as we speak, are moving through the Dakotas and gaining strength as they head east," National Weather Service director James Auslander said. "These embarrassing, lingering smells show no sign of dissipating any time soon, and it is vital that Americans prepare themselves."

The wave of unfreshened air is believed to be connected to a recent "poker night" get-together in the Arctic region, complete with big, smelly cigars and a fried-fish dinner. According to Auslander, shoes were removed during the gathering, contributing foot odor to an already unpleasant front.

Working closely with Renuzit officials, the National Weather Service is taking steps to freshen the approaching air mass.

"While we can not turn back the clock and prevent this malodorous incident from taking place," Auslander said, "we can take action as soon as possible to save Americans from exposure to the resultant common household odors."

Among the emergency air-freshening measures being implemented: the planting of more than 50,000 pine-scented trees along the U.S.-Canada border; the distribution of 35 million cans of Glade Mountain Spring spray to those citizens most at risk; and Operation Airwick, a full-frontal airborne assault on the wave of stale air.

But even with all these efforts, some experts say it will likely be too little, too late. "Even if 50 million pounds of potpourri were spread across American soil, it would merely be a flowery cover-up," said James Valentine of the D.C.-based Americans For Freshness. "Ventilating and re-scenting the ecosystem will take months and bring federal votive-candle and incense resources down to near-critical levels. This nation needs fresh, pleasant air now."

"In reality," Dr. Martin Hargreaves of Cornell University said, "we would need a Stick-Up the size of Vermont to adequately address this crisis."

Just some of the countless pine-scented trees planted in an attempt to freshen the air.

Across the U.S., the damaging effects of the unfreshened air are already being felt. "Yesterday, when I woke up, I wasn't greeted with the usual light, flowery breeze blowing in through my window," said Georgia Wells of St. Petersburg, FL. "Instead of a fresh rose-petal scent, I could distinctly detect a staleness in the air. It was horrible."

"As an American, if there's one thing I can't stand, it's a lack of freshness," Marcia Palmer of Sunnyvale, CA, said. "That's why this current crisis is so terrible. Cigar smoke, fish odor, smelly old sweatsocks—it's all too much to bear."

Palmer then wrinkled her nose and added, "Oh, I see the Arctic Circle still has that cat."

Responding to the public outcry, President Clinton has pledged to work with the National Weather Service toward the goal of having the nation completely aired out by the end of next week. The president also acknowledged that his interest in solving the problem is to some degree personal.

"Next Friday, I will be hosting an important state dinner, at which there will be numerous foreign dignitaries," Clinton said. "If these high-level diplomats arrived with the United States smelling like old sneakers and tell-tale pet odors, I am certain I would just die. I could never show my face at a world summit again."

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close