Massachusetts Evacuated To Prevent Any Contact With Tom Brady’s Knee

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Vol 49 Issue 33

Government Finally Admits Existence Of Area 51

In declassified CIA documents, the government officially acknowledged for the first time ever the existence of Area 51, saying that the top-secret location in the Nevada desert was created as a testing site for the U-2 spy plane in the 1950s.

Dog Unaware It Isn't Starving

Scientists finally pronounce the human genome, a new report finds that the Washington Redskins’ name is only offensive if you think about what it means, and a bigoted asshole makes the best barbecue.
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Massachusetts Evacuated To Prevent Any Contact With Tom Brady’s Knee

BOSTON—Following an alarming episode in which New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady suffered a mild sprain to his left knee, government officials confirmed Thursday that Massachusetts has been evacuated in order to prevent the state’s populace from having any contact with the star athlete’s knee. “Though we’ve received word that Brady’s MRI showed no structural damage, as a precautionary measure, I have issued an executive order mandating that every man, woman, and child currently living in the state disperse immediately so as to avoid any chance of aggravating his injury,” said Governor Deval Patrick, urging Massachusetts’ 6.6 million inhabitants to seek temporary residence in any one of the neighboring states pending further instruction. “While these measures may pose a minor inconvenience to our citizenry, it is of utmost importance that we do everything in our power to ensure that Brady enjoys a complete, trouble-free recovery and is back at full strength by Week 1. You really can’t be too careful with this sort of thing.” Patrick added that as Brady recuperates, the Patriots quarterback should feel free to use any of the state’s vacated houses and abandoned possessions as he sees fit.

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