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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Massachusetts Evacuated To Prevent Any Contact With Tom Brady’s Knee

BOSTON—Following an alarming episode in which New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady suffered a mild sprain to his left knee, government officials confirmed Thursday that Massachusetts has been evacuated in order to prevent the state’s populace from having any contact with the star athlete’s knee. “Though we’ve received word that Brady’s MRI showed no structural damage, as a precautionary measure, I have issued an executive order mandating that every man, woman, and child currently living in the state disperse immediately so as to avoid any chance of aggravating his injury,” said Governor Deval Patrick, urging Massachusetts’ 6.6 million inhabitants to seek temporary residence in any one of the neighboring states pending further instruction. “While these measures may pose a minor inconvenience to our citizenry, it is of utmost importance that we do everything in our power to ensure that Brady enjoys a complete, trouble-free recovery and is back at full strength by Week 1. You really can’t be too careful with this sort of thing.” Patrick added that as Brady recuperates, the Patriots quarterback should feel free to use any of the state’s vacated houses and abandoned possessions as he sees fit.

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