adBlockCheck

Massive Oil Spill Results In Improved Wildlife Viscosity

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Massive Oil Spill Results In Improved Wildlife Viscosity

NOME, AK—A Castrol supertanker ran aground Monday near Nome, AK, spilling more than 50 million gallons of high-grade Castrol motor oil into the Bering Strait and greatly improving the viscosity of local marine wildlife.

These seals are just some of the ocean wildlife that will no longer knock or suffer from thermal breakdown as a result of Castrol's 50 million gallon oil spill in the Bering Strait.

The spill, the world's largest since the Exxon Valdez ran aground in 1989, coated over 500,000 birds, fish and seals in quality, medium-weight lubricant that will provide them with valuable protection and keep important animal parts running smooth.

Local wildlife officials were excited by the spill. "A thick coat of oil should help these animals tremendously, especially with the cold weather coming," said Greg Gedman, secretary of Alaska's Department of Fish, Wildlife and Parks. "Last winter, over 2,500 Aleutian cranes suffered severe thermal breakdown from the cold. When temperatures reach 75 degrees below zero, cranes need a good oil like Castrol to keep their wings, claws and other parts loose."

Gedman said that the Bering Strait's extremely active animal population has long been in need of basic preventative oil care.

"Today's wildlife revs at higher r.p.m.'s," Gedman said. "So when you're a gray seal swimming after a fish at over 200 strokes per minute, you can't afford any excess friction on your fins or tail. You need a quality motor oil to keep them as loose as possible."

Particularly enjoying the Castrol spill is the local salmon population. Shortly after the spill took place, several thousand Alaskan salmon were spotted enthusiastically flipping about in the crude oil, gasping for air from all the playful exertion. Many of the fish were so tired from frolicking that they stopped moving altogether.

Castrol public-relations director Bob Crutchfield expressed pleasure with the oil spill. "For years our products have provided top-notch protection for millions of automobile owners," Crutchfield said. "Now we've shown the world that we can offer that same protection to America's birds, fish and other wildlife."

Crutchfield said that, for most Arctic-region animals, he recommends Castrol Premium. For animals that spend a lot of time in or near the water, such as egrets and halibut, he recommended Castrol Plus, which contains a special anti-rust ingredient.

Monday's spill was so successful, Crutchfield said, that plans are already underway for more oil leaks around the world. Beginning this spring, massive Castrol tankers will be intentionally run aground in over three dozen wildlife-rich areas, covering millions of surrounding flora and fauna in a healthy coat of premium-grade motor oil. In shoreline areas not rocky enough to rupture the tankers' metal hulls, the vessels will be "pre-cut," their hulls sliced just enough to burst open at the slightest contact.

In addition to off-shore spills, Castrol officials hope to expand inland, coating rainforests, wetlands and other at-risk ecosystems in high-grade automotive lubricant.

"Every day, seven more species become extinct in the Amazon rainforest," said Marcia Nettles, director of the Rainforest Action Network. "Perhaps if we stressed proper prevention and maintenance with genuine Castrol-brand products, we could keep these species from dying off so fast."

According to Gedman, Monday's spill has had an added benefit, providing the waters of the Bering Strait with an attractive rainbow sheen. "Before the spill, the water here was pretty much greenish-blue all the time," Gedman said. "Now we've got a million different colors. It's quite beautiful: The oil's iridescent, rainbow-colored shine is far more attractive than the algae and drab-green colors of the plant life it replaced."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close