adBlockCheck

Local

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Master Architect Constructs Most Structurally Innovative Pile Of Dirty Dishes To Date

LINCOLN, RI—Far surpassing the ambitions of any of his previous creations, master architect David Prawer has completed his most structurally innovative pile of dirty dishes to date, sources confirmed Thursday. “Prawer uses a sturdy yet economically assembled foundation of large plates and saucepans that allows the pile to soar above the rim of the sink for the very first time,” said Prawer’s roommate Ryan Broess, noting how the skilled designer had employed cereal bowls at select intervals to buttress the pile’s uppermost layers. “And to think most of us assumed his pile of dishes from three weeks ago was his pinnacle when it didn’t even incorporate the coffee pot or the cutting board, let alone employ a half-eaten slice of pizza as a cushion for the load-bearing tumbler above it—just breathtaking.” Broess went on to say that the lattice of food-covered silverware atop the pile demonstrated that his roommate also had full command of aesthetic details.

More from this section

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close