NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Scientists Teach Sign Language To Gorilla-Suit-Wearing Man

HILLSBORO, OR—In what is being hailed as a major breakthrough by the scientific community, a team of researchers announced Monday that they had successfully taught American Sign Language to a 43-year-old gorilla-suit-wearing man. Scientists at the O...

New Zipcarp Service Offers Short-Term Carp Rentals

BOSTON—Announcing its plan to offer short-term, affordable carp rentals for urbanites and college students who don’t own a carp of their own, Zipcarp Inc. launched a brand-new fish-sharing service earlier this month.
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Master Architect Constructs Most Structurally Innovative Pile Of Dirty Dishes To Date

LINCOLN, RI—Far surpassing the ambitions of any of his previous creations, master architect David Prawer has completed his most structurally innovative pile of dirty dishes to date, sources confirmed Thursday. “Prawer uses a sturdy yet economically assembled foundation of large plates and saucepans that allows the pile to soar above the rim of the sink for the very first time,” said Prawer’s roommate Ryan Broess, noting how the skilled designer had employed cereal bowls at select intervals to buttress the pile’s uppermost layers. “And to think most of us assumed his pile of dishes from three weeks ago was his pinnacle when it didn’t even incorporate the coffee pot or the cutting board, let alone employ a half-eaten slice of pizza as a cushion for the load-bearing tumbler above it—just breathtaking.” Broess went on to say that the lattice of food-covered silverware atop the pile demonstrated that his roommate also had full command of aesthetic details.


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