‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Master Architect Constructs Most Structurally Innovative Pile Of Dirty Dishes To Date

LINCOLN, RI—Far surpassing the ambitions of any of his previous creations, master architect David Prawer has completed his most structurally innovative pile of dirty dishes to date, sources confirmed Thursday. “Prawer uses a sturdy yet economically assembled foundation of large plates and saucepans that allows the pile to soar above the rim of the sink for the very first time,” said Prawer’s roommate Ryan Broess, noting how the skilled designer had employed cereal bowls at select intervals to buttress the pile’s uppermost layers. “And to think most of us assumed his pile of dishes from three weeks ago was his pinnacle when it didn’t even incorporate the coffee pot or the cutting board, let alone employ a half-eaten slice of pizza as a cushion for the load-bearing tumbler above it—just breathtaking.” Broess went on to say that the lattice of food-covered silverware atop the pile demonstrated that his roommate also had full command of aesthetic details.

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