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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Masturbator Held For Questioning In Series Of Brutal Masturbatings

SALEM, IN—Salem Middle School eighth grader Jeremy Royce, 15, was detained and questioned by police officials for more than three hours Monday in connection with a string of brutal masturbatings in the Salem area.

Jeremy Royce, whom many believe to be responsible for a grisly masturbating spree.

"While no arrest has yet been made in the case," said Salem police chief Samuel Harper, "at this time, Mr. Royce very much appears to be our prime suspect."

Ever since it began in March 1997, the string of horrific masturbatings has shaken this tiny farming community in southern Indiana. In the past month alone, some 31 kleenex, three socks, and one baseball cap have been found badly masturbated, some beyond recognition.

According to Harper, Royce became the chief suspect following the discovery of a kleenex on the side of his bed identical to one found in a Salem Public Library men's-room stall and two others found in the second-floor boys' bathroom at Salem Middle School. Like the items previously found, the kleenexes appeared to have been severely masturbated.

A subsequent search of Royce's sock drawer uncovered a number of items that may have been used in the crimes, including a 1982 "Sex In Cinema" issue of Playboy featuring Barbi Benton; a November 1991 issue of Gent; and a picture of ninth-grader Susie Sherwood from the 1997 Salem Middle School yearbook.

"The person who perpetrated these crimes is a deeply disturbed individual, one with no regard for human decency whatsoever," Harper said. "Whoever committed these acts deserves to be put away for a long, long time."

Royce has strenuously denied all charges, claiming to have been "at orchestra practice" at the time of the masturbatings.

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