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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Masturbator Held For Questioning In Series Of Brutal Masturbatings

SALEM, IN—Salem Middle School eighth grader Jeremy Royce, 15, was detained and questioned by police officials for more than three hours Monday in connection with a string of brutal masturbatings in the Salem area.

Jeremy Royce, whom many believe to be responsible for a grisly masturbating spree.

"While no arrest has yet been made in the case," said Salem police chief Samuel Harper, "at this time, Mr. Royce very much appears to be our prime suspect."

Ever since it began in March 1997, the string of horrific masturbatings has shaken this tiny farming community in southern Indiana. In the past month alone, some 31 kleenex, three socks, and one baseball cap have been found badly masturbated, some beyond recognition.

According to Harper, Royce became the chief suspect following the discovery of a kleenex on the side of his bed identical to one found in a Salem Public Library men's-room stall and two others found in the second-floor boys' bathroom at Salem Middle School. Like the items previously found, the kleenexes appeared to have been severely masturbated.

A subsequent search of Royce's sock drawer uncovered a number of items that may have been used in the crimes, including a 1982 "Sex In Cinema" issue of Playboy featuring Barbi Benton; a November 1991 issue of Gent; and a picture of ninth-grader Susie Sherwood from the 1997 Salem Middle School yearbook.

"The person who perpetrated these crimes is a deeply disturbed individual, one with no regard for human decency whatsoever," Harper said. "Whoever committed these acts deserves to be put away for a long, long time."

Royce has strenuously denied all charges, claiming to have been "at orchestra practice" at the time of the masturbatings.

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