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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Mathematician Has Popular Equation Stuck In Head All Day

CAMBRIDGE, MA–MIT mathematics professor Dr. Charles J. Chang has had the Pythagorean Theorem, a popular mathematical equation, running through his head all day, he reported Monday. "I overheard one of my colleagues discussing it with a student this morning, and ever since, I haven't been able to shake the damn thing," Chang said of the simple theorem, which is used to calculate the hypotenuse of a right triangle. "The weird thing is, I'm not even all that into Pythagoras–I mainly read Boolean and Quadratic–but it's just so catchy." Chang has made numerous attempts to get the theorem out of his head, including reading all of E.H. Spanier's Algebraic Topology and calculating the circumferences of various circles.

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