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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Matt Forte Suffers Career-Ending Contract With Chicago Bears

CHICAGO—The career of 26-year-old running back Matt Forte was tragically cut short Monday after Forte succumbed to a career-ending contract with the Chicago Bears. "It's such a shame to see such a promising young talent fall victim to a multi-year deal with the Bears," said ESPN's John Clayton, adding that he had to look away when Forte announced the painful signing. "We've unfortunately seen this fate befall so many players through the years and while some of them try to recover, after a few years spent battling with a Bears contract, nobody is ever the same." History has shown the effects of signing with Chicago has proven particularly harmful to running backs, with former Bears Cedric Benson, Curtis Enis, Rashaan Salaam and a host of others reaching out to express their sympathies to Forte.

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