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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Matt Leinart Demands Cardinals Hold Training Camp At His House

PHOENIX—Arizona Cardinals first-round draft pick Matt Leinart has stunned the team by not only holding out on signing his rookie contract but demanding that training camp be moved to the more convenient location of his house. "I don't see why we have to go to all the way up to Flagstaff for camp. What do we need? A pool? Because I've got a pool. And some weights, and a 72-inch plasma television for, like, film study," the Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback told coach Dennis Green Wednesday. "And, oh, I just got this huge dining-room table that'd be great for drawing up plays, or even just, you know, chowing down." Football experts consider it unlikely that Cardinals management will accommodate Leinart, especially after strongly considering but ultimately rejecting his previous suggestion that the team play all its home games in Los Angeles.

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