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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Matt Leinart Wins Beauty Contest Portion Of NFL Draft

NEW YORK—Matt Leinart, the USC quarterback, former Heisman Trophy winner, and current ESPN Hottest Male Athlete, cashed in early at the 2006 NFL Draft when he was chosen first by a panel of eight celebrity judges in the draft's Tuesday night beauty pageant at New York's W Hotel. "Matt was the obvious No. 1 pick—he has the All-American bone structure, the amazing eyes, and the hair that has stunned all the scouts," said celebrity judge and NFL Network host Rich Eisen, who presented Leinart with the draft pageant's coveted Joe Namath Trophy. "Get used to seeing this kid on magazine covers nationwide, if you haven't already." Leinart was modest when accepting the trophy, but said he was concentrating on Saturday's player draft, during which he is expected to be upstaged by less handsome athletes with stronger throwing arms and more mobility.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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