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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Matt Leinart Wins Beauty Contest Portion Of NFL Draft

NEW YORK—Matt Leinart, the USC quarterback, former Heisman Trophy winner, and current ESPN Hottest Male Athlete, cashed in early at the 2006 NFL Draft when he was chosen first by a panel of eight celebrity judges in the draft's Tuesday night beauty pageant at New York's W Hotel. "Matt was the obvious No. 1 pick—he has the All-American bone structure, the amazing eyes, and the hair that has stunned all the scouts," said celebrity judge and NFL Network host Rich Eisen, who presented Leinart with the draft pageant's coveted Joe Namath Trophy. "Get used to seeing this kid on magazine covers nationwide, if you haven't already." Leinart was modest when accepting the trophy, but said he was concentrating on Saturday's player draft, during which he is expected to be upstaged by less handsome athletes with stronger throwing arms and more mobility.

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