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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Matt Ryan Votes 'No' In Online Poll Asking If He’s Elite Quarterback

ATLANTA—Calling the choice “a no-brainer,” Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan reportedly voted “no” this morning in an ESPN.com poll that asked, “Is Matt Ryan an elite NFL quarterback?” “Uh, no, obviously I’m not an elite player,” Ryan said as he submitted his answer, adding that he was “definitely not even in the top 10” and listing eight better quarterbacks right off the top of his head. “I mean, for starters, I have no pocket presence, my accuracy is pretty middle-of-the-road, and most importantly, I’m just not a born leader. Sure, the Falcons are 4-0, but so what? Who have they even played this year? Fucking nobody. They’ll be lucky to even make the playoffs.” On reviewing the poll’s results, Ryan noticed that more than 90 percent of voters from Georgia had selected “yes,” a decision he called “idiotic.”

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