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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Matt Ryan Votes 'No' In Online Poll Asking If He’s Elite Quarterback

ATLANTA—Calling the choice “a no-brainer,” Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan reportedly voted “no” this morning in an ESPN.com poll that asked, “Is Matt Ryan an elite NFL quarterback?” “Uh, no, obviously I’m not an elite player,” Ryan said as he submitted his answer, adding that he was “definitely not even in the top 10” and listing eight better quarterbacks right off the top of his head. “I mean, for starters, I have no pocket presence, my accuracy is pretty middle-of-the-road, and most importantly, I’m just not a born leader. Sure, the Falcons are 4-0, but so what? Who have they even played this year? Fucking nobody. They’ll be lucky to even make the playoffs.” On reviewing the poll’s results, Ryan noticed that more than 90 percent of voters from Georgia had selected “yes,” a decision he called “idiotic.”

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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