Matt Schaub Releases Exhaustive List Of Who Deserves To Be On Texans' Roster

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Vol 48 Issue 49

Chad Greene and Danielle Faye

Chad Greene and Danielle Faye were married before friends and family this weekend, but as of press time it was not known if the ceremony was beautiful.

Oscar Mayer Unveils New Weiner Drone

The 15-year-old Duchess of McComb, Alabama announces her pregnancy, a 38-year-old little boy posts a picture of a fast car he likes on Facebook, and the nation's hardass cops finally find time to play games.

Pot, Gay Marriage Now Legal In Washington

Same-sex marriage licenses became available in Washington state yesterday at 12:01 a.m., and at the same time, a voter-backed law decriminalizing the recreational use of marijuana took effect.

Chris Christie Dreaming About 72-Inch Springsteen Sub

TRENTON, NJ—Slowly licking his lips and salivating as he indulged his imagination, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly spent most of Friday afternoon alone in his office daydreaming about a mouthwatering 72-inch Springsteen sub.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Matt Schaub Releases Exhaustive List Of Who Deserves To Be On Texans' Roster

HOUSTON—Following up on his assertion that Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh is “not Houston Texan–worthy,” Texans quarterback Matt Schaub released a comprehensive list to the media Tuesday cataloging who he believes deserves a place on the team’s 53-man roster. “The following people are worthy of playing for the Houston Texans: Larry Fitzgerald, Peyton Manning, Brian Urlacher, Aldon Smith, Sebastian Janikowski,” said Schaub, reading an excerpt from the 10,000-name list, which he told reporters was compiled according to “who these people are and what they stand for.” “Additionally, Aaron Rodgers is a Texans-quality person, as are Deion Sanders, Walter Payton, Merlin Olsen, Rosa Parks, Dennis Rodman, Warren Buffett, my wonderful parents, Johnny Unitas, Suri Cruise, Manti Te’o, Genghis Khan, Calvin Johnson, and the architect Frank Lloyd Wright.” Schaub confirmed that only one current Texan is included on the list: second-string fullback Tyler Clutts.

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