Mattress King Selects Wife From Small Wisconsin Village

Top Headlines

Local

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Good Times

Mattress King Selects Wife From Small Wisconsin Village

OSHKOSH, WI—Joyous tidings were trumpeted throughout the hamlets of central Wisconsin this week after 43-year-old Mattress King James Koepke III, Lord and Master of a vast bed and box-spring empire, selected Beth Lowery, a buxom, flaxen-haired maiden from the small village of Waukau, to be his bride.

The Mattress King, as seen in one of his recent televised decrees.

The 36-year-old queen-to-be, red of cheek and unmarred by pocks or the great widening of the hindquarters endemic to females of the region, reportedly accepted the king's matrimonial offer without hesitation. The new queen will reign alongside the noble bedroom furnishings monarch, and together they shall rule the mattress kingdom, which spreads across four convenient locations in the Fox River Valley.

Following the royal proclamation, the Mattress King and his retinue reportedly celebrated with great relish amongst the citizenry at Tinker's Pub, where Wild Turkey and Miller High Life did freely flow until the early morning hours.

"I'm real happy for [King] Jimmy," said James' most trusted consul since high school, Sir Louis of Wilkinson. "This new one seems like a great gal. All's I gotta say is, it's about time!"

James III—the territory's unchallenged sovereign of discount prices on Sealy, Serta, King Koil, and Tempur-Pedic mattresses since his father, James II, became too enfeebled to run the empire in 1999—has been in search of a suitable queen ever since his last bride, Linda, the Great Bitch of Pewaukee, absconded in the night with a lowborn scoundrel from whom she was taking skiing lessons.

Though she was banished from James' sprawling split-level Oshkosh palace in 2002, the former queen was able to empty his vast coffers by half, leaving the Mattress King much embittered by romantic conquest for many years.

Sources close to the king said that he remained most dubious about his prospects of ever again finding true love until he was instantly smitten by the fair and reasonably chaste Beth of Waukau, a common serving wench at a local Applebee's.

In his great languishing for his beloved, the Mattress King reportedly could not rest his mighty head in slumber for nigh a fortnight, and supped at the simple chain tavern every day for a month, walking amongst his subjects as one of their own. At last, no longer able to contain his desire, His Highness summoned the courage to request that he be permitted to court her in the customary manner with an evening of bowling.

The Queen-To-Be

Though he cared for her deeply, King James at first did hide his noble birthright from Lowery, afraid that his lady love was indeed one of a roving pack of money grubbing whores that had befallen the area.

"I think Jimmy didn't tell her who he was because he got burned so many times in the past," said Kyle Osterberg, trusted ward of the king's fiefdom in Appleton's Fox River Mall. "He wanted Beth to love him for who he is as a person."

According to sources, the dirty-flaxen-haired Lowery finally discovered the king's true identity after seeing him in all his regal dress on a printed edict on the back of the Oshkosh Northwestern newspaper. In the full-color announcement, His Majesty declared himself insane due to the unheard-of discounts he was offering on all Simmons mattresses throughout his kingdom.

Soon after, the Mattress King asked for her hand, paying a handsome tribute to her parents in the form of a 25-percent lifetime discount at any of the franchises under his purview.

"Jimmy is such a great guy, and so much better than the other jerks Beth was always dragging home," said Melinda Lowery, the future Mattress Queen's mother, clearly still in awe of her daughter's unimaginable providence. "And [the queen's father] Clark [Lowery] and I just love our new mattress set."

Though the benefits of mattress royalty will be many, the new queen will not be without her sacred duties. From the day their union is formed, Lowery will be at her husband's side in the back office of the North Main Street location, where her most important charge will be balancing the royal checkbook, because, according to the king's decree, "she's got a great head for numbers."

The Mattress King and his betrothed will reportedly be wed this May, with a lavish reception for the local peasantry to be held at the Delmar Party House. Sources said that no expense will be spared for the wedding feast, where local delicacies will abound, including innumerable hot wings from Purcell's Bar & Grille.

The queen is expected to produce an heir to the throne in six and a half months.