Mattress Store Experiments With Non-Blowout Sale

Top Headlines


Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Mattress Store Experiments With Non-Blowout Sale

Shoppers can expect a good deal, but nothing that would really send the competition packing, per se.
Shoppers can expect a good deal, but nothing that would really send the competition packing, per se.

RICHMOND, VA—In a radical departure from its established tradition of total liquidation extravaganzas, Northside Mattress Warehouse on 112 Chamberlayne Rd. will use this coming weekend to test a sales model previously unheard of in the world of mattress retail: the non-blowout discount sale.

"Our remaining 2007 inventory doesn't necessarily have to go, go, go," said store owner Lenny Conklin, who, in advertisements leading up to the sale, has been described as enthusiastic but not mentally ill. "It can just go, and we're fine with that. And if absolutely everything doesn't go, so be it. These mattresses are by no means priced to fly out the door."

In addition to politely suggesting that customers come on down before the sale's conclusion, Conklin, in opposition to standard practice, extended the fairly deep discounts by an extra two days within moments of announcing them, rather than waiting until the event was nearly over and then prolonging them on a whim.

These floor models will be discounted, but by no means will they be practically given away.

The store also will not stay open until midnight on Saturday.

"It's not like these are once-in-a-lifetime prices on Sealy, Serta, and King Koil matresses," Conklin said. "Don't get me wrong, we've slashed prices. Just not to the bone."

"Bottom line, you'll get a pretty good deal on a brand-name mattress and box spring," Conklin continued. "Not an out-of-this-world, unheard-of deal, granted. But pretty good."

The sale, which will use fewer exclamation points in its advertisements and store banners than any mattress sale in history, will also feature a more relaxed attitude toward being undersold.

"If you can find the same mattress at a lower, publicly advertised price, then God bless," said Conklin, quoting the slogan Northside Mattress has adopted for the sale.

According to store manager Gerald Dufrense, the decor of the showroom will further reflect the more restrained tone of this year's sale. Employees will not dress as cavemen, as was the case for last year's "Bed-Rock-Bottom Blowout," nor will there be clowns present to entertain the customers' children.

"I'm not saying that there won't be balloons, because there will definitely be some balloons," Dufrense said. "We're not trying to completely alienate our customers."

Advertising for the sale—groundbreaking in its own right—has followed suit. A 30-second TV spot for the one-time savings event features Conklin walking leisurely around the store, talking at a reasonable volume while calmly pointing out some of the items that will be available for purchase.

A sober black chyron simply reading "mattress sale" appears at the very end of the commercial and, remarkably, does not flash incessantly throughout.

Though the Northside Mattress Warehouse has taken a great risk by challenging the paradigm for selling quality mattresses at reduced prices, the management remains cautious concerning the outcome of the experiment.

"We hope people respond to the non-blowout sale, but we're hedging our bets," senior sales associate Gary Foster said. "If it doesn't work, we'll just go back to the tried-and-true methods and blow the doors off this place next weekend with a conventional, all-out, super sales spectacular."

While it is not yet clear whether the new tactics will be able to draw customers away from the larger, more established mattress stores in the Richmond area, Northside's competitors have already expressed concern that this subtler form of sale will be an unqualified success.

"A non-blowout sale is the craziest thing I've ever heard, and crazy moves mattresses," said "King" Larry Everdyke, owner of King Cole Mattresses in downtown Richmond. "It's going to blow the blowout right out of the water."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close