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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Maurice Clarett Shows Up Late For Prison Camp

COLUMBUS, OH—Former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett began his new career as an inmate with the Ohio state prison system by showing up over eight hours late for his first day at Chillicothe State Correctional Camp, a move that did not sit well with officials. "For a rookie in our system to start out like this is a big mistake, to put it mildly," said warden Samuel Gordon, who had been looking forward to overseeing the eight-year deal for aggravated assault Clarett plead guilty to on Tuesday. "Your best bet around here is to blend in, keep your head down, and toe the line at roll call and during cell searches. Act like you're above the law around here and you'll soon find out how wrong you are." Chillicothe management has already taken steps to curtail Clarett's undesirable behavior by assigning him to room with Curtis "Big Sweetie" McCulloch, a 12-year veteran known for his prowess in breaking in new recruits.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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