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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Maurice Clarett Shows Up Late For Prison Camp

COLUMBUS, OH—Former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett began his new career as an inmate with the Ohio state prison system by showing up over eight hours late for his first day at Chillicothe State Correctional Camp, a move that did not sit well with officials. "For a rookie in our system to start out like this is a big mistake, to put it mildly," said warden Samuel Gordon, who had been looking forward to overseeing the eight-year deal for aggravated assault Clarett plead guilty to on Tuesday. "Your best bet around here is to blend in, keep your head down, and toe the line at roll call and during cell searches. Act like you're above the law around here and you'll soon find out how wrong you are." Chillicothe management has already taken steps to curtail Clarett's undesirable behavior by assigning him to room with Curtis "Big Sweetie" McCulloch, a 12-year veteran known for his prowess in breaking in new recruits.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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