Maxim Reader Eager To Put Newly Acquired Knowledge Of Women To Use

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Vol 39 Issue 11

Kidnapped Hilton Sisters Appalled By Captor's Basement

NEW YORK—According to Monday's New York Post, hotel heiresses Paris and Nicky Hilton are aghast over the condition of the basement of their kidnapper, William Henry Buntz. "My sources tell me that Paris and Nicky are bound-and-gagging over the less-than-tony trappings," Post Page Six gossip columnist Richard Johnson wrote. "Sources say their crazed captor has creeping crud and crawling centipedes in his cellar... and it's got the spoiled socialites in a snit!" As of press time, police have made no attempt to locate the sisters.

Prescription-Drug Safety

When taking prescription drugs, it is vital to be fully informed about proper usage. Here are some helpful hints to ensure your safety:

You And Me And Baby Minus Me Makes Two

Honey, a miracle has happened—you've got a bun in the oven. How wonderful! Before long, this family is going to be bigger by none. After all, you and me and baby minus me makes two.

Bush Bravely Leads 3rd Infantry Into Battle

IRAQ-KUWAIT BORDER—As the U.S. Army's 3rd Infantry Division began its ground assault on Iraq Monday, President Bush marched alongside the front-line soldiers, bravely putting his own life on the line for his country by personally participating in the attack.

Media Coverage Of The War

Across the nation, citizens are glued to their TV sets for war coverage. What do you think of the job the media are doing?

Casual Sex Surprisingly Formal

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—After several hours of drunken Spring Break revelry Monday, Ron Viselic, 19, and Becky Pell, 18, returned to Pell's motel room for surprisingly formal casual sex. "We were laughing and doing body shots at the bar, but when we got back to my room, things turned all businesslike," Pell said. "He kept asking me if it was okay to take off each piece of clothing, then he wouldn't do anything but missionary." Following the methodical, strangely businesslike intercourse, Viselic and Pell spent five minutes "spooning" before Viselic dressed and left.

U.S. Forms Own U.N.

WASHINGTON, DC—Frustrated with the UN’s procedural policies, the United States formed its own international governing body.
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Maxim Reader Eager To Put Newly Acquired Knowledge Of Women To Use

MANASSAS, VA–Maxim subscriber Kevin Blynn, 23, looks forward to putting into practical use the advice and information about women he has gleaned from the popular men's lifestyle magazine, sources reported Tuesday.

Kevin Blynn

"I'm the kind of guy who likes to work all the angles, and no one has more angles for dealing with women than Maxim," Blynn said. "I just read an article on how to land a model by dressing really sloppy so she thinks you're an artist or musician or something. It's genius. I've been taking mental notes for about four months now, and it's almost time to put them into action. This subscription is really going to pay for itself."

While Blynn, who started reading the magazine in January, is currently single, he anticipates his dating status will change when he begins "Project: Laid."

"Until I found out about Maxim, I really didn't understand girls," Blynn said. "Now, I've got an edge. One article suggested I pretend to be gay to get women to let their defenses down. I mean, it's risky and could easily backfire, but if it works, I'll be swimming in it."

Though he has gone on just one date in the past three months, Blynn is confident that his lonely, masturbation-intensive Saturday nights will soon come to an end.

"The latest issue tells you how to turn any situation into guaranteed sex," Blynn said. "If there's a threat of a terrorist attack, you can turn that into terror sex. If you're in a foreign country, you can turn that into 'two ships in the night' sex. If your girlfriend's pissed off about something, you can turn that into hot, angry, I-hate-you sex. As soon as I get a girlfriend, I'm gonna try that last one out."

Maxim, Blynn said, also offers valuable advice on how to bed female acquaintances.

"The February issue had some kick-ass info on how to score with a female friend who just got dumped," Blynn said. "You have to come on all nice and sensitive until you seal the deal. The article said chicks love it, but you have to do it right, or they'll get pissed before you can get any of that pie."

Blynn said he is confident that Maxim's road-tested tips will work for him.

"A lot of the information and advice is from guys like me," Blynn said. "They're out there in the trenches trying out their tips before they print them, so I know they've got to be good. Those guys at Maxim get all the tail."

In spite of Blynn's faith, his friends are skeptical of his reliance on the magazine for advice.

"I doubt this'll work any better than anything else he's tried," former roommate Chris Komarek said. "Kevin was never good when it came to meeting women. He had a girlfriend for a few months in college and was really hurt when they broke up. If this Maxim stuff is building up his confidence, more power to him. It couldn't be any worse than when he used to run stuff in the 'Missed Connections' section of the personals, hoping to hook up with some girl he'd stared at in some coffee shop for hours. That was just sad."

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