After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Maximum Age For Strollers Raised To 8

PARK SLOPE, BROOKLYN—Due to "increased self-indulgence among both children and parents," the Contemporary American Parenting Council announced Monday that it has raised the maximum age for stroller use among U.S. children to 8. "After we increased it to 7 in 2003, we still found far too many parents inconvenienced by their children's curiosity, mobility, and intellectual growth," said the CAPC's Beverly Kapatis. "Now, parents can enjoy avoiding their kids, and kids can enjoy blissful uninvolvement well into their pre-teen years." In a related report, the CAPC also recommended that the cutoff age for breastfeeding be raised to 6.

After Birth

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