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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Maya Angelou Thought She’d Be Invited To More White House Stuff

WINSTON-SALEM, NC—Saying that she didn’t want to be presumptuous but had thought her celebrated literary career, numerous academic honors, and tireless political activism would put her "pretty high up" on guests lists, Maya Angelou told reporters Monday she just always assumed she would be invited to more White House stuff.  "I’m not saying I need to be a regular, but there’s stuff going on there pretty much every week that I’d be perfect for," said Angelou, adding that she was surprised last month when she was not invited to speak at "A Celebration of American Poetry, Past and Present," which she described as an event that was "so obviously in [her] wheelhouse." "I would have been more than happy to write a poem for, say, a Women’s History Month event featuring the first lady, but March went by and no one’s aide or secretary ever called—not once. C’mon, that’s bullshit." At press time, Angelou had circled the University of Kentucky basketball team’s White House visit on her calendar and said she plans to just show up and see what happens.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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