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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Mayan Calendar Warns Of Cataclysmic Roland Emmerich Film On Nov. 13

CHICHÉN ITZÁ, MEXICO—Scholars of the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar warned Monday that, according to ancient Mayan calculations, a devastating film by German director Roland Emmerich is set to occur on Nov. 13, 2009. "On this date, near the end of the 13th baktun cycle, when the sun will converge with the centerline of the Milky Way, we will see the release of an overblown ensemble epic by the man responsible for Godzilla and 10,000 BC that could very well end John Cusack's career as we know it," said Thomas Haney, an independent researcher specializing in pre-Columbian cosmology. "At this point, all we can do is hope and pray that the high priests were wrong and the running time is less than 143 minutes." Hastening fears of an unstoppable late-fall disaster has been the discovery of a tablet depicting Mayan king Pacal storming out of a Loews cinema in disgust.

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