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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.

How Confirmation Hearings Work

On Tuesday, Congress began holding confirmation hearings to evaluate the fitness of President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet nominees for their offices. Here is a step-by-step guide to the confirmation hearing process.

Trump Gives Intelligence Agencies Their Daily Briefing

NEW YORK—Sitting down with top officials from the CIA, FBI, and Defense Intelligence Agency in a Trump Tower conference room, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly gave U.S. intelligence agencies their daily briefing Tuesday morning.
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McCain Campaign Nabs Top Obama Pun Writer

ARLINGTON, VA—In what is being called a major coup for the Republican nominee, the campaign of Sen. John McCain has recruited rival Sen. Barack Obama's top play-on-words writer, David Talenda, creator of such catchy puns as "Barack and Roll," "Barack the Vote!" and "Obama Mama" for the Democratic candidate.

David Talenda, Pun Writer

Celebrated for crafting memorable, youth-vote-clinching rhymes for former presidents Ronald Reagan ("Get Hipper with the Gipper") and Bill Clinton ("Get Smitten with Clinton!"), Talenda had been advising the Obama campaign for the past year, drawing a salary estimated at more than $2 million.

Anonymous sources said McCain strategists were able to lure the talented sloganist away from the Democratic side after a disagreement erupted between Talenda and the Obama staff over whether "Barackorama" or "Obamarama" best tapped into the nation's deep need for change.

"We are thrilled that Mr. Talenda has chosen to back the winning ticket that is campaign McCain," top adviser Steve Schmidt said. "Campaign McCain. Train. Ride the Campaign McCain Train? Wow, maybe I should have done this myself and saved us $11 million."

Immediately after firing every member of campaign McCain's original name-based-pun staff, Talenda enacted a ban on all references to the Cypress Hill song "Insane in the Membrane" due to concerns over the Arizona senator's age and mental capacity.

The 39-year-old slogan master then reportedly ordered staffers to begin combining the Republican nominee's surname with a range of song titles, movie names, and other rhyming pop cultural references, while also instituting weekly "McCainstorming" sessions to come up with clever new slogans.

Although polls have shown the race tightening considerably over the past two weeks, Obama staffers insisted losing Talenda has not had a negative effect, saying they remained confident that voters aged 18 to 34 already want to "Exercise Their Civic Duty by Registering to Vote, Going to Their Local Polling Stations and Pulling the Lever or Punching the Hole or Pressing the Touch Screen Next to the Line That Says 'Barack Obama' in Order to Effect the Kind of Real—and Long Overdue—Change That the Senator from Illinois Represents."

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