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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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McCain Gets Hammered At Local VFW

PHOENIX—After conceding defeat in the 2008 presidential election, former Republican candidate John McCain reportedly got completely hammered Tuesday night at the Veterans of Foreign Wars bar in Phoenix. "I saw this old guy just kind of slumped over his drink for a couple hours before I realized who it was," bartender Rob Dubbin said of the former Navy officer, who sources confirmed arrived at the VFW community tavern around 9 p.m. wearing his lieutenant commander's jacket and cap. "He must have had about eight or nine boilermakers in all. I heard him muttering something about 'Pennsylvania,' I think, but other than that he was pretty quiet." Sources said McCain continued to drink alone until well after 3 a.m., at which point fellow patrons had to carry the sleeping senator to a couch in the back office.

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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