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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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McCain Late To Debate Due To Greyhound Delays

DES MOINES, IA—Citing a series of unanticipated disruptions to the Greyhound bus service, a red-faced and breathless Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) arrived 50 minutes after the start of the Republican presidential debates Sunday. According to the beleaguered candidate, a series of departure delays, missed transfers, and a flat tire outside Oxford, OH forced him to arrive at the outskirts of Iowa's capital five minutes before the debate was about to begin. "To the esteemed people of Des Moines, the ABC viewers at home, and moderator George Stephanopoulos, I'm sorry I'm late," McCain said as he assumed his position behind his assigned podium and fastened his lavalier microphone to his lapel. "I would've called, but I was out of minutes on my prepaid cell phone." As the broadcast ended, McCain sprinted backstage to relieve himself and fill his suit pockets with complimentary bottled water and the contents of a cheese platter.

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