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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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McCain Refusing To Tell Voters What's In Box Unless Elected

WASHINGTON–With just one day before voters head to the polls, presidential candidate John McCain told the American people Monday that, unless elected, he would never reveal the contents of his secret mystery crate. "My friends, it's time we faced the major question of our day, and that question is: what's he got inside that thing?" said the Senator, thumping the sequined container with his fist and raising a single eyebrow. "It might be cash, or a way to fix the economy. One thing's for sure, though—it'd be a real shame to miss it." At press time, Sen. McCain's Mystery Box plan is expected to do better than his pledge to "utterly destroy" all who cross him.

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