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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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McCain's Energy Plan Emphasizes Elbow Grease, Sleeve-Rolling-Up

HOUSTON—While campaigning in Texas Monday, Sen. John McCain delivered a speech outlining his personal energy policy, a plan that offsets rising gas prices and dependence on foreign oil with a 38 percent increase in the national get-up-and-go. "Developing an intelligent energy policy is not only an environmental concern, but a national security concern as well, which is why I have developed a comprehensive plan to make hay while the sun's still shining," said the Republican presidential nominee, pulling out a dustpan. "If we are going to stave off another energy crisis, it is essential for all Americans to put your shoulders into it, wipe the sand out of your eyes, and reduce our dependence on foreign oil by 20 percent over the next five years." Sen. McCain said he has no doubt his energy plan will be successful, as he enacted a similar strategy in October when he had to clean out his garage.

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