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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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McCain's Energy Plan Emphasizes Elbow Grease, Sleeve-Rolling-Up

HOUSTON—While campaigning in Texas Monday, Sen. John McCain delivered a speech outlining his personal energy policy, a plan that offsets rising gas prices and dependence on foreign oil with a 38 percent increase in the national get-up-and-go. "Developing an intelligent energy policy is not only an environmental concern, but a national security concern as well, which is why I have developed a comprehensive plan to make hay while the sun's still shining," said the Republican presidential nominee, pulling out a dustpan. "If we are going to stave off another energy crisis, it is essential for all Americans to put your shoulders into it, wipe the sand out of your eyes, and reduce our dependence on foreign oil by 20 percent over the next five years." Sen. McCain said he has no doubt his energy plan will be successful, as he enacted a similar strategy in October when he had to clean out his garage.

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