adBlockCheck

Recent News

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
End Of Section
  • More News

McDonald's Employee Just In It For The Money

SHREVEPORT, LA—According to reports, Sean Boyce, a member of the Jefferson Avenue McDonald's team, may be doing it purely for the money. Critics say Boyce, 22, who lives with girlfriend Renee Simmons and their 2-year-old daughter, cares more about getting paid than dedicating himself to his craft.

McDonald's employee Sean Boyce.

"It's sad when a person's sole motivation is money, but that really seems to be the case with Mr. Boyce," said Peter Kuharcich, editor of the restaurant-industry newsletter Fast Food Report. "The only thing he's interested in is getting that paycheck."

Contrary to claims made at the time of his hire, Boyce does not crave the challenge of brightening people's day the McDonald's way.

"When I interviewed Sean, he really seemed to agree that the most fulfilling thing about working here is getting the chance to make the customer's McDonald's experience as enjoyable as possible," assistant manager Frederick Taubense said. "But the longer he was here, the more apparent it became that it was all about the money for him. He's always asking stuff like, 'Wasn't I supposed to get a raise last month?' and, 'I thought I get time and a half when I work overtime.' At some point, he needs to wake up and realize that money isn't what's truly important."

Boyce, who joined the McDonald's team in November 1998, has all but admitted that his reasons for accepting the position were greed-based. After returning home more than an hour late last Tuesday from a mandatory "Improving Customer Service" training session, Boyce allegedly told his girlfriend that he just wants to "punch in, do my job and punch out." Several days later, he intimated to fellow cashier Amani Green that "if I win the lottery, I'm never setting foot in another McDonald's for the rest of my life."

"Frankly, we're all a little shocked to find this kind of attitude coming from a member of the McDonald's family," Taubense said. "Sean's lack of dedication to customer satisfaction flies in the face of the Employee's Commitment To Excellence statement he signed during orientation, not to mention the nine points on the McDonald's Customer Bill Of Rights posted next to the hot-pie holder. He acts as if his shift isn't about providing friendly, helpful service with a smile, but rather about getting money for a pair of new sneakers or medicine for his daughter's earache."

Other McDonald's crew members have noticed Boyce's selfishness, as well.

"Sean's a scheming climber who's only looking out for himself—I've even heard him talking about wanting to go to tech school," second-shift manager Denise Lum said. "I get the feeling he could decide to quit at any time and—poof—with two weeks notice, he'd be gone."

"Sean has no sense of loyalty at all," fellow crew member Bob DiSalvo said. "I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he left for Wendy's or Burger King if he thought he could get more money there."

Despite their problems with his attitude, McDonald's management said they have no plans to terminate Boyce's employment as of this time, citing staffing shortages in the morning drive-thru and second-shift grill-cook positions.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close