McDonald's Employee Just In It For The Money

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Vol 35 Issue 15

Stuff On Floor

LODI, NJ—The moist, brownish pile on the Gehrke living-room floor is either cat food or cat shit, it was reported Monday. "If I had to guess, I'd say it's cat food," said Lydia Gehrke, 44, staring at the mystery heap. "But the way Oscar's been digesting lately, cat shit is definitely a possibility, too." Though a long shot, Gehrke noted that it could also be cat vomit. "Whatever it is," she said, "it came from the cat."

Computer Analyst Unable To Fashion Crude Tools, Grind Wheat

SEATTLE—According to reports, computer analyst Isaac Glenn, who earns $120,000 a year organizing and upgrading computer networks, does not know how to fashion crude tools or grind wheat. "I guess to grind wheat, you'd probably cut it off the stalk and then maybe use some kind of crushing device to mash it until it's powder," Glenn said. "I don't really know what you'd do with it then. Maybe cook it, I guess." Glenn added that network administrators should use jacketed, certified cat-5 cable and keep runs perpendicular to electrical lines to prevent data integrity problems in 100BaseT networks.

HBO Presentation Fails To Deliver Promised 'Brief Nudity'

JACKSON, MS—As far as local resident Nate Childress can tell, the "brief nudity" promised in the HBO original movie Total Disclosure was not delivered at any point during the 93-minute film. "Were they talking about when you could see that one girl's bare back?" Childress asked. "Or maybe they meant the part where you could almost sort of see that blonde girl's ass through the panties. If that's what they meant, that's bullshit." Childress said the brief nudity may have occurred during the 10 seconds when he raced to the kitchen for a beer, but noted that he went for the beer during a scene set in a police station. "I highly doubt that any girls took their clothes off during the 10 seconds of police interrogating that I missed," he said.

Hasbro Pledges Additional 30 Marbles For Hippo-Hunger Relief

PAWTUCKET, RI—With global famine worsening, Hasbro pledged an additional 30 white marbles Monday to hippo-hunger relief efforts. "To see those starving, starving hippos just lying there, not knowing if they will ever get another chance to click and clack for life-giving marbles—it's too much for anyone to bear," Hasbro spokesperson Lisa Reiderer said. "We cannot stand idly by while these sweet, plastic creatures slowly die. It is up to all of us to get the most marbles for our hippos."

You Know, I Used To Be Kind Of Cool Once

You know how, every so often, something you haven't thought about in the longest time will just sort of pop up out of nowhere, and all of a sudden you're like, "Hey... Wait a minute"? Well, that happened to me last week, when it occurred to me that I actually used to sort of be cool once.

The Return Of SDI

Alarmed by the development of nuclear weapons in China, North Korea, Iran and Iraq, Congress recently approved a scaled-back version of the 'Star Wars' missile-defense system of the Reagan Era. What do you think about the revival of this program?
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McDonald's Employee Just In It For The Money

SHREVEPORT, LA—According to reports, Sean Boyce, a member of the Jefferson Avenue McDonald's team, may be doing it purely for the money. Critics say Boyce, 22, who lives with girlfriend Renee Simmons and their 2-year-old daughter, cares more about getting paid than dedicating himself to his craft.

McDonald's employee Sean Boyce.

"It's sad when a person's sole motivation is money, but that really seems to be the case with Mr. Boyce," said Peter Kuharcich, editor of the restaurant-industry newsletter Fast Food Report. "The only thing he's interested in is getting that paycheck."

Contrary to claims made at the time of his hire, Boyce does not crave the challenge of brightening people's day the McDonald's way.

"When I interviewed Sean, he really seemed to agree that the most fulfilling thing about working here is getting the chance to make the customer's McDonald's experience as enjoyable as possible," assistant manager Frederick Taubense said. "But the longer he was here, the more apparent it became that it was all about the money for him. He's always asking stuff like, 'Wasn't I supposed to get a raise last month?' and, 'I thought I get time and a half when I work overtime.' At some point, he needs to wake up and realize that money isn't what's truly important."

Boyce, who joined the McDonald's team in November 1998, has all but admitted that his reasons for accepting the position were greed-based. After returning home more than an hour late last Tuesday from a mandatory "Improving Customer Service" training session, Boyce allegedly told his girlfriend that he just wants to "punch in, do my job and punch out." Several days later, he intimated to fellow cashier Amani Green that "if I win the lottery, I'm never setting foot in another McDonald's for the rest of my life."

"Frankly, we're all a little shocked to find this kind of attitude coming from a member of the McDonald's family," Taubense said. "Sean's lack of dedication to customer satisfaction flies in the face of the Employee's Commitment To Excellence statement he signed during orientation, not to mention the nine points on the McDonald's Customer Bill Of Rights posted next to the hot-pie holder. He acts as if his shift isn't about providing friendly, helpful service with a smile, but rather about getting money for a pair of new sneakers or medicine for his daughter's earache."

Other McDonald's crew members have noticed Boyce's selfishness, as well.

"Sean's a scheming climber who's only looking out for himself—I've even heard him talking about wanting to go to tech school," second-shift manager Denise Lum said. "I get the feeling he could decide to quit at any time and—poof—with two weeks notice, he'd be gone."

"Sean has no sense of loyalty at all," fellow crew member Bob DiSalvo said. "I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he left for Wendy's or Burger King if he thought he could get more money there."

Despite their problems with his attitude, McDonald's management said they have no plans to terminate Boyce's employment as of this time, citing staffing shortages in the morning drive-thru and second-shift grill-cook positions.

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