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McDonald’s Janitor Would Like To Thank Everyone Who Tossed Half-Full Cups Of Soda Into Trash

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Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.
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McDonald’s Janitor Would Like To Thank Everyone Who Tossed Half-Full Cups Of Soda Into Trash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—In an effusive display of gratitude toward the local community, McDonald’s custodian Kevin Daniels expressed his sincere thanks Wednesday to every customer who has thrown a half-filled cup of soda into any of his workplace’s eight trash receptacles. “Honestly, I can’t say thank you enough to all of you out there for not finishing your large cups of Coke and Dr. Pepper and then just tossing them into the garbage, especially the ones with a lot of ice—I appreciate those the most,” said Daniels, noting that the multiple times per day he carries a heavy, sloshing, and oftentimes leaking garbage bag to the dumpster behind the restaurant he realizes just how lucky he is. “I also want to give special praise to all of you who attempt to cram your soiled napkins and uneaten bits of burgers and Egg McMuffins into cans that are already overflowing. That truly makes my day. And don’t let me forget all the times you’ve smeared ketchup on the flap of the trash can where it dried and needed to be scraped off. Can’t wait to see what wonderful surprises the future has in store.” Daniels added that given how happy and grateful he is for all that McDonald’s customers do for him every day, he felt that it was extremely selfish of him to be making a full $8 an hour.

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