McDonald's Restaurant To Open in Washroom Of Existing McDonald's

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Vol 30 Issue 06

The Gay Marriage Debate

Last week, Congress passed the Defense of Marriage Act, which permits states not to recognize the legality of gay marriages performed in other states, and clearly defines marriage as the union of a man and a woman. What do you think of same-sex marriage?

Area Man Demands More Starches

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Dissatisfied with his current levels of intake, Leonard Bierski, a 44-year-old Terre Haute-area plumber, publicly demanded a "serious increase" in his already prodigious consumption of starches. "Rice, potatoes, corn and wheat products," said the overweight Bierski, his mouth stuffed with Doritos and french fries. "I want a lot more." Bierski, who has eaten two salads in the past 14 years, said he will not rest until his diet is composed solely of carbohydrate-rich foods. "Spaghetti," he added. "Cocoa Pebbles."

Naturist Retreat Ends In Boner

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—After more than three days of hiking, canoeing and other outdoor activities, a naturist/nudist outing concluded yesterday with a large boner. "By the time the retreat had ended, there were lots of tired people, worn out from a long weekend of fun but strenuous activity," said Dale Pursner, tour leader for the Southern Exposure Naturist Getaways outing. "There also were a lot of stiffies."

Defense Department Holds Bake Sale To Buy Bomber

WASHINGTON, DC—In what was called "a great day" by the nation's educators, a cash-strapped Defense Department held a bake sale in the Pentagon courtyard yesterday to raise money for a new B-1 Bomber. "Gen. William A. Bratton told me we were about $220 million short for the brand-new bomber we all had our hearts set on, so I decided we should hold a big bake sale," said Col. Charles T. Lathrop, who, according to unnamed Pentagon insiders, made more than two dozen lemon cupcakes for the event. "So far, we've raised over 65 dollars." The department plans to follow up the sale with a car wash.

Earth Explodes

EARTH—In a move astronomers are calling "surprising," the planet earth violently exploded yesterday, shattering into billions of tiny fragments and killing all life existing on it. "From all indications, the planet just spontaneously combusted," said James Frye of Stanford's Palomar Observatory. "We'll know more after we examine soil samples."

Kemp Unveils New Poolside Economics Plan

KEY WEST, FL—With a banana daiquiri in one hand and a jaw-dropping blonde in the other, Republican vice-presidential candidiate Jack Kemp yesterday unveiled his new "poolside" economic plan.

Snobs, Slobs Face Off at Area Country Club

The elite Bushcrest Country Club was turned upside-down yesterday, as a throng of unkempt, drunken slobs descended upon the normally reserved social institution, terrorizing its uptight member snobs and stirring up all sorts of general mayhem.
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McDonald's Restaurant To Open in Washroom Of Existing McDonald's

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—The McDonald's Corporation, ever dedicated to providing inexpensive, tasty and convenient food to as much of the world as possible, will be open its newest franchise in the men's washroom of an existing McDonald's.

Customers will soon be able to enjoy the delicious taste of McDonald's food and take care of hygienic needs at the same time, when a brand-new restaurant opens in the bathroom of a Charlottesville, VA, McDonald's.

The new restaurant, decorated in a '50s rock 'n' roll theme and featuring an indoor playland, was inaugurated Tuesday with a ribbon-cutting ceremony held in the washroom. Featured guests include a marching band, the director of Charlottesville's Chamber of Commerce and a special appearance by Ronald McDonald himself.

"Eat our hamburgers," the grinning, delighted McDonald said. "Eat them."

"Consumers just can't afford to be far from the great taste of McDonald's," said Quinn Reynolds, vice president in charge of promotions for McDonald's. "Whether they're at home, on the job or attending to basic hygienic needs, all people should have easy access to delicious McDonald's food."

"This is a great addition," said Steve Connolly, a Charlottesville banker and frequent McDonald's customer who tried out the new McDonald's Tuesday. "I was enjoying my Arch Deluxe Value Meal, had to go to the bathroom, and saw that there were already three people in line for the stalls. The wait might have been a problem, but to my great pleasure, there was another McDonald's restaurant right there, ready to serve me more hot, tasty food. And the service was quick and friendly."

"The washroom was a natural choice for a new location," Reynolds said. "The people going in there are people who like McDonald's food. Often young children are accompanied by their parents when going to the washroom, and McDonald's has always been the perfect place for families."

"I was a little bit worried about the new restaurant cutting into our business," said Dave Grobelkowski, manager of the original restaurant. "But the only people going there are ones who've just bought stuff from us anyway. And if we run out of supplies, we can just go to the bathroom and borrow some."

"Ideally, all restrooms everywhere would provide ready access to McDonald's food," Reynolds said. "But that ambitious scheme is at least five years down the road. Meanwhile, we plan to open an additional restaurant in the ladies' room within months, and are already drafting plans for a fourth restaurant along the corridor leading from the dining room to the restrooms. And most likely, a 'Mac Express' window will open in the walk-in freezer of the original restaurant."

"Grimace is my friend," noted McDonald. "Watch out for the Hamburglar."

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