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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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McDonald's Unveils New Senior Citizen PlayPlace

Eldery customers enjoy the new Senior Citizen PlayPlace.
Eldery customers enjoy the new Senior Citizen PlayPlace.

OAK BROOK, IL—In an effort to accommodate an aging customer base and make the McDonald's experience "super fun for seniors 65 to 95," the fast-food chain unveiled its new Senior Citizen PlayPlaces Wednesday. "The ball pit has a special winch to lower seniors into and out of it," said day-shift manager Will Earle, adding that the tunnel-maze has multiple exits in case seniors become disoriented or scared. "We have a slide wide enough to accommodate wheelchairs, and on Saturdays, Ronald himself stops by to make balloon animals and just talk to the old folks. They like talking to Ronald." McDonald's confirmed plans to open even more senior PlayPlaces by 2013, saying they provide a space in which children can enjoy a meal and still keep an eye on their elderly parents or grandparents.

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