WASHINGTON, DC—McDonnell-Douglas unveiled its new $500 million "Gay-Dar" homosexual-detection system Monday, the most sophisticated such system ever developed. "This device can instinctively tell the sexual orientation of an individual at distances of up to 12 miles. Somehow, it just knows," McDonnell-Douglas CEO Frank Reed said. "The military applications of the system are limitless, not just against potentially gay enemies, but within the U.S. military itself." According to Pentagon sources, gay enlistees will be weeded out using Gay-Dar, and lieutenants will use it to know which women they may molest and which will merely get "all dykey on them."