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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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McDonnell-Douglas Unveils New 'Gay-Dar'

WASHINGTON, DC—McDonnell-Douglas unveiled its new $500 million "Gay-Dar" homosexual-detection system Monday, the most sophisticated such system ever developed. "This device can instinctively tell the sexual orientation of an individual at distances of up to 12 miles. Somehow, it just knows," McDonnell-Douglas CEO Frank Reed said. "The military applications of the system are limitless, not just against potentially gay enemies, but within the U.S. military itself." According to Pentagon sources, gay enlistees will be weeded out using Gay-Dar, and lieutenants will use it to know which women they may molest and which will merely get "all dykey on them."

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