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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Meaninglessness Of Preseason Game Plunges Jeremy Shockey Into Existential Crisis

NEW YORK—Struggling to find purpose in life after his realization that the Giants' 13-12 victory over the Ravens Sunday night would have no bearing on the team's standings, tight end Jeremy Shockey has been questioning whether preseason games have any purpose, meaning, or even reality in and of themselves. "What the fuck is the fucking point of even striving, and being human, erring in the process, if nothing is accomplished by doing so?" Shockey asked reporters after the game while solemnly stroking the tattoo of a bald eagle wrapped in an American flag that adorns his right bicep. "It's like one of those fucking, what do you call them, paradoxes, in which one believes that this goddamned game is important enough to show up for, while at the same time you perceive that your one catch for 18 yards doesn't actually count for shit." Shockey went on to say that until his position's significance and his place in the game could be determined, he would continue to reject the concept of practice.

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