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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Media Company Looking For Ways To Get Rid Of Veteran 24-Year-Old Employee

NEW YORK—Noting that he has been with them “forever” and is taking good money away from younger, hungrier colleagues, executives at WebTrender Media have been quietly exploring options for getting rid of 24-year-old veteran employee Jason Rugg, sources within the company confirmed today. “Jason has had valuable moments for this company over the course of his long, 18-month career with us, but at this point he’s definitely overstayed his welcome,” WebTrender CEO Ben Parisi said of the website’s Senior News Editor, adding that Rugg currently earns the highest salary of his department at $33,000 per year and predates the majority of his coworkers by months. “Sure, he was a great content aggregator once, but the reality is that the world has changed since Jason started out here at 22 years old, and it just doesn’t make sense to keep dead weight around anymore. I mean, the guy’s a dinosaur. The last person in editorial who even remembers Jason was Heidi, and she’s from the old guard hired back in 2013.” At press time, company executives had reportedly scrapped their course of action after discovering the veteran employee was technically just an intern.

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