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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Media Company Looking For Ways To Get Rid Of Veteran 24-Year-Old Employee

NEW YORK—Noting that he has been with them “forever” and is taking good money away from younger, hungrier colleagues, executives at WebTrender Media have been quietly exploring options for getting rid of 24-year-old veteran employee Jason Rugg, sources within the company confirmed today. “Jason has had valuable moments for this company over the course of his long, 18-month career with us, but at this point he’s definitely overstayed his welcome,” WebTrender CEO Ben Parisi said of the website’s Senior News Editor, adding that Rugg currently earns the highest salary of his department at $33,000 per year and predates the majority of his coworkers by months. “Sure, he was a great content aggregator once, but the reality is that the world has changed since Jason started out here at 22 years old, and it just doesn’t make sense to keep dead weight around anymore. I mean, the guy’s a dinosaur. The last person in editorial who even remembers Jason was Heidi, and she’s from the old guard hired back in 2013.” At press time, company executives had reportedly scrapped their course of action after discovering the veteran employee was technically just an intern.

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