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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Media Ignores Cancer Struggle Of Champion Unicyclist

KEY WEST, FL (July 26)—While seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong's battle with cancer has been well-covered in the media, his counterpart in the more insular world of unicycling has garnered very little attention. "Three-time Tour de Farce champion Nick Ienatsch's battle with mouth cancer is no less real than Armstrong's, and he should be considered just as powerful a symbol of triumph," said Mitch Boehm, editor-in-chief of Unicyclist magazine and Ienatsch's biographer. "He may be a wobblier, somewhat less-dignified symbol, but inarguably, one of hope." Ienatsch, known for his brash, outspoken manner and his smokeless-tobacco sponsorship, claims he is not a hero. "I'm just fighting cancer as any other human-powered-vehicle enthusiast would," he said. "Be he bicyclist, unicyclist, recumbent bicyclist, or pogoist."

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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