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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Media Ignores Cancer Struggle Of Champion Unicyclist

KEY WEST, FL (July 26)—While seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong's battle with cancer has been well-covered in the media, his counterpart in the more insular world of unicycling has garnered very little attention. "Three-time Tour de Farce champion Nick Ienatsch's battle with mouth cancer is no less real than Armstrong's, and he should be considered just as powerful a symbol of triumph," said Mitch Boehm, editor-in-chief of Unicyclist magazine and Ienatsch's biographer. "He may be a wobblier, somewhat less-dignified symbol, but inarguably, one of hope." Ienatsch, known for his brash, outspoken manner and his smokeless-tobacco sponsorship, claims he is not a hero. "I'm just fighting cancer as any other human-powered-vehicle enthusiast would," he said. "Be he bicyclist, unicyclist, recumbent bicyclist, or pogoist."
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