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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Media Organizations Make Pilgrimage To Facebook Headquarters To Lay Content At Foot Of Mark Zuckerberg

MENLO PARK, CA—Traveling from every corner of the global media industry in hopes of bringing good favor to their organizations, emissaries from hundreds of publications reportedly made their daily pilgrimage to Facebook’s headquarters this morning in order to lay their content at the foot of Mark Zuckerberg. “Sir, I humbly offer you this 650-word feature on community gardens in New Jersey in hopes that you will, in your great enlightenment and wisdom, find it to your liking,” said visibly trembling New York Times executive editor Dean Baquet, setting the journalistic token down before the Facebook CEO after having waited many hours alongside fellow pilgrims from Slate, the Chicago Tribune, The Atlantic, Time, Al Jazeera, and scores of other news outlets in a line that stretched through the social media site’s Silicon Valley offices. “Our editorial staff has labored much over this offering, and we present it to you with the utmost respect and deference. Should you see it fit to spread far and wide, optimized among both desktop and mobile audiences, we would be most grateful, sir. Thank you, and praise be unto you.” At press time, Zuckerberg had angrily cast out BBC executive editor Steve Herrmann from the facility after he failed to bow his head and offer his unending devotion to the All-Knowing Algorithm when passing by the facility’s software engineering department.


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New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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