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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Media Relieved They Don’t Have To Deal With Fucking Harbaughs This Year

NEW YORK—Grateful to interview anyone but the two head coach brothers, members of the sports media expressed on Wednesday their unanimous, unequivocal relief that they didn’t have to put up with those goddamn Harbaughs while covering this year’s Super Bowl. “Thank fucking Christ,” said NESN reporter Doug Kyed, adding that he “just could not handle” sitting through any more terse, hostile press conferences with that asshole Jim or pretending to care that John was always the supportive brother. “Compared to that god-awful Harbaugh shit, John Fox is nothing—he just shuts up and lets Peyton Manning go. Hell, even Carroll’s fine. Give me Pete Carroll any day of the week if it means I never have to talk to another fucking Harbaugh again.” Media personnel were reportedly further relieved after realizing they wouldn’t have to watch Joe Flacco take a single snap on Sunday.

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