adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
End Of Section
  • More News

Media Relieved They Don’t Have To Deal With Fucking Harbaughs This Year

NEW YORK—Grateful to interview anyone but the two head coach brothers, members of the sports media expressed on Wednesday their unanimous, unequivocal relief that they didn’t have to put up with those goddamn Harbaughs while covering this year’s Super Bowl. “Thank fucking Christ,” said NESN reporter Doug Kyed, adding that he “just could not handle” sitting through any more terse, hostile press conferences with that asshole Jim or pretending to care that John was always the supportive brother. “Compared to that god-awful Harbaugh shit, John Fox is nothing—he just shuts up and lets Peyton Manning go. Hell, even Carroll’s fine. Give me Pete Carroll any day of the week if it means I never have to talk to another fucking Harbaugh again.” Media personnel were reportedly further relieved after realizing they wouldn’t have to watch Joe Flacco take a single snap on Sunday.

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close