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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Media Reminds Public Not To Overemphasize Super Tuesday Results Or Draw Any Sort Of Wide-Reaching Conclusions

NEW YORK—Stressing that the last thing they would ever want is to be responsible for unduly affecting the course of the nomination process, members of the news media urged the public not to be swayed by their breathless, second-by-second Super Tuesday coverage and to refrain from drawing any sweeping, broad conclusions about the current state of the American political system on the basis of said coverage. "Let's remember not to place too much importance on anything that happens tonight, or act like any single event could make or break a candidate, signal the overall direction of the Republican Party, or sum up the opinions of voters in general," CNN's Wolf Blitzer said as the results trickled in during his nonstop, seven-hour coverage of the voting. "Come to think of it, even the phrase Super Tuesday may be a bit unfair, as it makes the ballots cast on this day seem more important than others, which is frankly a sensationalist way of looking at things considering we still have 28 states, the District of Columbia, and five U.S. territories left to go." Blitzer later added that presenting extended coverage and analysis of Super Tuesday at all was ultimately unnecessary given that "realistically speaking, Romney pretty much has this thing wrapped up."

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