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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Media Reminds Public Not To Overemphasize Super Tuesday Results Or Draw Any Sort Of Wide-Reaching Conclusions

NEW YORK—Stressing that the last thing they would ever want is to be responsible for unduly affecting the course of the nomination process, members of the news media urged the public not to be swayed by their breathless, second-by-second Super Tuesday coverage and to refrain from drawing any sweeping, broad conclusions about the current state of the American political system on the basis of said coverage. "Let's remember not to place too much importance on anything that happens tonight, or act like any single event could make or break a candidate, signal the overall direction of the Republican Party, or sum up the opinions of voters in general," CNN's Wolf Blitzer said as the results trickled in during his nonstop, seven-hour coverage of the voting. "Come to think of it, even the phrase Super Tuesday may be a bit unfair, as it makes the ballots cast on this day seem more important than others, which is frankly a sensationalist way of looking at things considering we still have 28 states, the District of Columbia, and five U.S. territories left to go." Blitzer later added that presenting extended coverage and analysis of Super Tuesday at all was ultimately unnecessary given that "realistically speaking, Romney pretty much has this thing wrapped up."

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