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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Media Watchdog Spokesman Sought On Embezzlement Charges

OMAHA, NE—According to FBI sources, the nonprofit media watchdog group Americans for Fairness in Awarding Journalism Prizes, or AFAJP, was ordered to cease operations Friday after its spokesman and president, Stephen Forbeck, was indicted on 24 counts of embezzlement, fraud, and money-laundering. “Over the past 20 years, Mr. Forbeck—aka Thomas Porter, aka Richard Vernon, aka Israel Greenburg, and the list goes on—has gone from media organization to media organization, tricking them all into thinking he could get them the awards they deserve, all while illegally appropriating tens of million dollars in supporter donations for his own personal use,” lead investigator Paul Coughlin told reporters from outside AFAJP’s main office, which, aside from a dozen phones and random sheets of paper strewn across the floor, was completely deserted prior to the FBI raid. “Mr. Forbeck remains at-large at this time. And we’d like to inform all media organizations, especially desperate ones, that as impressive as Mr. Forbeck’s credentials sound, there is no such thing as a J.D. in Journalism Award Giving and Award Law.” At press time, security cameras at Los Angeles International Airport captured an image of a figure resembling Forbeck boarding a flight to Barbados.

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