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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Mel Kiper, Jr. Explains How Justice Stevens' Retirement Affects NFL Draft

BRISTOL, CT—According to NFL draft expert Mel Kiper, Jr., Associate Justice John Paul Stevens' announcement last week that he would be retiring from the U.S. Supreme Court altered Kiper's Big Board considerably. "This certainly complicates things. If, for example, Obama selects 9th Circuit Court of Appeals judge Sidney Thomas, there's a good chance Jacksonville will take Sergio Kindle out of Texas instead of C.J. Spiller," Kiper said during Tuesday's edition of SportsCenter. "Now, if Obama goes with a jurist whose confirmation could be a long, drawn out process, like an Elizabeth Warren, the 49ers will definitely have to trade down for more picks." Kiper added any chance of Tim Tebow being drafted in the first round was basically quashed when Obama ruled out Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for the justiceship.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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