Mel Kiper, Jr. Explains How Justice Stevens' Retirement Affects NFL Draft

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Vol 46 Issue 15

Albert Pujols Sliding Into Everything After Learning To Slide

ST. LOUIS—Sources in the Cardinals organization confirmed Tuesday that, after completing private sliding lessons, Albert Pujols has been sliding feetfirst into equipment, open doorways, dirty laundry, teammates, dugouts, and anything else the three-time NL MVP can possibly slide into.

Opening Staff Rails Against Incompetence Of Closing Staff

ATHENS, GA—Citing a recent rash of barely mopped floors, sloppy register work, and general negligence, the opening staff of local restaurant Dom's issued a harsh proclamation this week, saying it would no longer endure the half-assed performance of the closing staff.
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Mel Kiper, Jr. Explains How Justice Stevens' Retirement Affects NFL Draft

BRISTOL, CT—According to NFL draft expert Mel Kiper, Jr., Associate Justice John Paul Stevens' announcement last week that he would be retiring from the U.S. Supreme Court altered Kiper's Big Board considerably. "This certainly complicates things. If, for example, Obama selects 9th Circuit Court of Appeals judge Sidney Thomas, there's a good chance Jacksonville will take Sergio Kindle out of Texas instead of C.J. Spiller," Kiper said during Tuesday's edition of SportsCenter. "Now, if Obama goes with a jurist whose confirmation could be a long, drawn out process, like an Elizabeth Warren, the 49ers will definitely have to trade down for more picks." Kiper added any chance of Tim Tebow being drafted in the first round was basically quashed when Obama ruled out Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for the justiceship.

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