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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Mel Kiper Shrugs Off Amorous Feelings Toward Big Board While Working Late One Night

BRISTOL, CT—Seeing the rolling corkboard in a way he never had before, ESPN analyst Mel Kiper Jr. reportedly shrugged off amorous feelings toward his 2017 NFL Draft Big Board while working late one night in his office, sources confirmed Tuesday. “We were capping off another marathon workday with a few drinks, which turned into a few more, and the next thing you know we were inches apart and I wasn’t sure I could resist exploring this sudden, undeniable attraction,” said Kiper, adding that working so closely side-by-side for months in preparation for the Draft had slowly eroded the courteous professional distance he had always maintained with the 10-foot-wide bulletin board used to catalog and rank NFL prospects. “Did my mind wander in that special moment to what could have been? Sure. But then I thought of my wife and my daughter, whom I love more than anything in the world, and I remember why I stopped it from going further than a kiss.” Kiper also admitted to reporters that the amount of time fellow analyst Todd McShay has recently begun spending with the Big Board has started to make him jealous and even paranoid.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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