Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Mel Kiper Shrugs Off Amorous Feelings Toward Big Board While Working Late One Night

BRISTOL, CT—Seeing the rolling corkboard in a way he never had before, ESPN analyst Mel Kiper Jr. reportedly shrugged off amorous feelings toward his 2017 NFL Draft Big Board while working late one night in his office, sources confirmed Tuesday. “We were capping off another marathon workday with a few drinks, which turned into a few more, and the next thing you know we were inches apart and I wasn’t sure I could resist exploring this sudden, undeniable attraction,” said Kiper, adding that working so closely side-by-side for months in preparation for the Draft had slowly eroded the courteous professional distance he had always maintained with the 10-foot-wide bulletin board used to catalog and rank NFL prospects. “Did my mind wander in that special moment to what could have been? Sure. But then I thought of my wife and my daughter, whom I love more than anything in the world, and I remember why I stopped it from going further than a kiss.” Kiper also admitted to reporters that the amount of time fellow analyst Todd McShay has recently begun spending with the Big Board has started to make him jealous and even paranoid.

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