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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Mel Kiper Trapped For 3 Days Under Toppled Big Board

BRISTOL, CT—Three days after the massive bulletin board of the top 2014 NFL Draft prospects fell and pinned him to the floor of his basement, sources confirmed Thursday that an injured, severely dehydrated Mel Kiper Jr. remains trapped underneath his Big Board. “Help! Somebody, please help me! I’m stuck!” the longtime ESPN analyst reportedly said, soaked in his own urine and weakened from subsisting on small 3-by-5-inch index cards containing names of promising outside linebackers. “Oh God, I think my ribs are broken. Can anyone hear me? Please, I don’t want to die!” At press time, reports indicated that upon being discovered by his wife, Kim, Kiper was rescued by emergency crews and is currently in Bristol Hospital re-ranking the top 100 draft prospects by position.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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