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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Mel Kiper Trapped For 3 Days Under Toppled Big Board

BRISTOL, CT—Three days after the massive bulletin board of the top 2014 NFL Draft prospects fell and pinned him to the floor of his basement, sources confirmed Thursday that an injured, severely dehydrated Mel Kiper Jr. remains trapped underneath his Big Board. “Help! Somebody, please help me! I’m stuck!” the longtime ESPN analyst reportedly said, soaked in his own urine and weakened from subsisting on small 3-by-5-inch index cards containing names of promising outside linebackers. “Oh God, I think my ribs are broken. Can anyone hear me? Please, I don’t want to die!” At press time, reports indicated that upon being discovered by his wife, Kim, Kiper was rescued by emergency crews and is currently in Bristol Hospital re-ranking the top 100 draft prospects by position.

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