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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Mel Kiper Wakes In Middle Of Night Thinking He Missed NFL Draft

NEW YORK—Football personnel analyst and perennial NFL Draft fixture Mel Kiper Jr. woke from a sound sleep Wednesday night with a start and a muted shriek that startled his wife, Kim, whom he told he had dreamt about missing the entire 2008 draft. "I woke up, you know, and looked at the calendar, and it was Monday? And the whole draft was over? And I'd slept through it because I figured it started at 3 p.m. this year instead of noon, so I didn't set an alarm?" Kiper said through chattering teeth while his wife tried to calm him by attempting to stroke his meticulously gelled hair. "But I had worked so hard putting together Mel Kiper's Draft Preview and I was sleepy, you know? So I slept so hard I slept through it and—and—and they had it without me. Without me!" Mrs. Kiper was eventually able to soothe her distraught husband, and the couple passed the rest of the night without incident on the makeshift bed on the steps of Radio City Music Hall, where they spend the time from the end of college football season until Draft Day.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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